I am so alone and I can’t talk to anyone and it is killing me and I don’t know exactly what it is I’m supposed to do about it.  All I do is sit here and feel this unbearably lonely feeling.  I feel hollow and empty and like I should just scream because then I might feel something, but I can’t because then I will wake my daughter up and I hate when she knows there is something wrong with me like this.  I need too much and want too much and I feel bad for that, but I can’t seem to stop it no matter how i try.  I let everyone down, I let me down, I am failing at life and all I try to do in it.  Someone is always upset with me and in turn I am upset with myself, more so than usual.  It is an uphill fight for me more days than not and I hate it. I hate that my illness has robbed me of a perfectly normal, happy, fucking lovely littlle life.  I just want to see how the other half lives and feels for a damn day!  Can I have a damn day?  Can I feel peace and calmness and just be happy to wake up and look forward to what the day brings me for once?  I am not asking for miracles, I am not asking for some earth shattering spectacle here!! I just want to feel what it is to be at peace with me and who and how I am and I wonder if I will ever feel that in my entire fucking misserable existance of a life!  Is this possible for me or is it just something that I will never be able to attain no matter what I try or how hard I work for it?  Some days I think I would sell my soul to feel what "normal" people feel, people with no mental illness that is.  But I won’t because I am not sure if there is a hell and if there is I imagine it to be much like what this is for me alot of the time and I can’t imagine feeling like this in my after life too.  I put on my happy face and people think I seem so happy and fucking nice and cheerful but I am dying on the inside and I just want to cry and shake them and tell them, NO, this is not me.  Please can you tell me how to be that person I seem to be.  But of course I would never say that and so it goes that I am destine to be this lonely, unhappy, terribly sad person who will trudge along until it is over. 


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