the lack of a social support system can make mental problems worse. Hell yeah. we all know that. But what do you do when you have no social support system that really gives a damn if you are dead or alive. What if you don't evn care if youre dead or alive.. Every time I meet someone….it turns out to be a waste of my precious little time.it's all about gettin conned, manipulated, lied to and dumped like you were one worthless piece of trash…trash that should be immediately set onfire until only ashes flutter freely away.
so how do you create a social support network? should I join a quilting group, or should I just focus on death and count down the days. Since i dont have this social support network, however i feel freer to privately be who i want in the "alone with myself" hours. so, i'm not really sure who i am anymore, i create myself every day. there is no stability, I don't have friends, I don't have lovers….they all leave, quickly…no matter how well I treat them. And that hurts so bad. I am a pariah. No one invites me over, no one invites me out. I have to ask and then they get sick of me and distance themselves.
so, night after night, I come home to my empty house and be whoever I want to be….i am sinking deeper. i dont even understand how to socially relate to others appropriately,
I feel a lot of anger and betrayal. Broken promises. words spoken carelessly dishonestly. then they don't want to talk to you. They don't care if you need them,,, So I just shut it up…and become someone else here in my own little world.
It's ok , you don't have to call, you dont have to answer when I call. Ignore my e-mails or a simple hello, or a quest ion maybe you could help me resolve. I guess nobody has time for people like me. If you're on instant message and I come on there and say hi how are you, and you disappear, that's ok. if you used to be my friend, but don't talk to me anymore, that's ok. If you make up lies to cover why you no longer speak to me, I understand, I guess. Little hope for this…better off playing the roles I like, creating a me out of nothing fragments and shatters.