I’m just so tired of my husband. I hate his temper tantrums. He’s not violent, or anything, don’t get me wrong. He’s just a big fucking baby. Is it so hard to answer a question your kid asks? Especially when you are so picky about every little thing, and she just wants to get it right because you’re gonna say she did it wrong no matter what? And the worst thing is, he’s that way to all of us, me and our kids. Everything I do gets criticized. It’s never good enough. As if I already feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. I don’t need him reinforcing that.
Just, like, if I’m cooking something. Let me cook! Who cares if you would add spice A instead of spice B? I’m cooking, I’ll add whatever spice I want in my food. If you want something else, well, you know how to cook.
I managed to avoid an accident the other day, and his comment was, maybe now you’ll drive slower? Like, bitch, I was moving with traffic! It’s the highway! You don’t go slow and hold up the line behind you. If everyone else is moving, you freaking better move too! I stopped. I avoided the accident. I wasn’t driving too close, since I stopped in time, and wasn’t driving too fast, since I fking stopped in time. Instead of saying something like, good reflexes, or thank goodness you were paying attention, no, I get, well, maybe now you’ll drive slower. Just, fuck you.
And he’s like that with every single thing. I’m so tired of it.
And I’m so tired of HIM. Just his laziness, his lack of compassion, his complete disregard for the feelings or efforts of the people around him, all of it.
I wish I could up and leave. Like, if I was financially stable and could support myself and our kids, I would take them and go. I don’t care where. Anywhere is fine.
But I also don’t want to be alone. As miserable as I am WITH him, I would be even more miserable as the single mother recent divorcee desperately seeking some kind of affection from strangers. I don’t want that.
I feel unwanted and unlovable. Like, who *would want me? I wouldn’t if I were a guy. Any guy who would is surely worse than the guy I already have, who is, at least, obligated to be with me for financial and familial responsibilities. At least with him, I get sex when I want, and I know I’m not going to end up with some horrid disease because he’s too lazy to cheat. But sex isn’t a good enough reason to be with a person. That can’t be all there is to a relationship. I’m not his fuck buddy. I’m his wife. I’m also not his mother, but he needs to grow the fuck up.
He says he loves me, but he shows me contempt. I don’t believe the words that come out of his mouth. I believe what I see him do. I believe how he acts. He acts like he wishes he could leave, or wishes I would (to save him the trouble).
But where would I go? I have no one else. After admitting to myself that I really didn’t like my one and only friend, I’ve broken that relationship (and do NOT regret it), but now I have no one.
I don’t drink. I don’t go to church or have the social skills to insert myself into the social circles of moms at my kids’ school. I don’t hang with people at work, though I’ve tried to extend those work friendships into real friendships, my efforts were in vain, and I’m not going to chase them like the miserable lonely looser that I am.
I want to be wanted. I want someone to cherish me. I want someone to see the good things about me that I know are there, and to seek out my company. I want to feel like I’m valued as a person.
And I don’t feel that way at all.