I can't take this anymore. I am usually not like this but today was awful. I took myself off my meds and my doctor said that since I was on such a low dosage that it would not hurt me to go off it cold turkey. Well I did. I did it because it turned me into a big fat blimp! I look like one of those Macy's day floats. I have gained 18 pounds since being on this stupid pill and I hate myself. This pill took away what made me me. I lost all motivation. I didn't run anymore, I didn't clean the house anymore (well not like I used to) and I barely wanted to do anything with myself anymore. I think it calmed me down too much but the doctor said that I was on a ver low dosage so is it just me? Am I just crazy? Scratch that I know the answer.

Something happened today and with that I just could not stop crying. I have cried for over 4 hours on and off and I feel like just ending it. Of course I know that I will not because I am a big chicken and that makes me feel terrible too. What do I do now? Do I go back on the meds and feel better but get fatter and uglier and loose myself? or do I suck it up and take no meds and get fit and feel better about my appearance but then go mental everyone so often? Where is the medium? Where is the "norm"? What do I do?

Of course now after writing this blog I feel like a moron for even bothering anyone who will listen to my little sissy whining. I am conflicted. I want help from anyone who cares to bother but I want to do it myself? Sound crazy well yes I am then. I want it all.

I want to feel like me again. In control of my life and in control of my path. But I know that I have this thing haning over me all the time that requires me to do something about it. So I am no longer in control and give myself up freely to the doctors who "practice" medicine and let them tell me what to do. I hate that. I hate myself for needing that.

well this is a long blog. I didn't think I was going to write this much but I guess I needed to get something off my chest other then this ugly bra I bought.

Lamia