I am tired…physically, emotionally, and mentally…The last 24 plus hours I have been off schedule..things have been plugging along fairly sucessfully and I missed lunch…was tired and didnt rest, didnt hear a thank you and suddenly my world got fucked really fast…I can tell you I do not remember heading to the house this morning…I dont remember my shower before leaving, eating or anything else…I do remember, standing in the kitchen making "Old Mike" demands and bullshit unacceptable behavior rearing its ugly head…WTF…I not only made her cry…AGAIN…but I was so focused on the small shit I dont have that I didnt see all the big stuff that I have not lost…When I was asked not to move back home…I as a male took it as an insult and a slam to my ever so huge EGO…in hind sight..what a loving gesture by my wife…If I was home I would be drinking…I am not ready to be a dad, (I never have been home or sober enough to be one) or a friend or a husband….I am lucky I get the chance to grow, get better and work towards developing all of those things..I may not ever be ready to go back home…that is a little scary but as my son who is 12 put it…" I miss you dad…but I would rather have you not live here then be DRUNKEN MEAN DADDY…Because you are nice now…." Out of the mouth of babes is the saying i think.  I beieve I have had some mini revalation of sorts…not sure if what it is but it has something to do with surrender and boundries..As my step work evolves…it brings me back in circles…which I find to be facinating…to know that once we get through the steps we get to start them all over again is exciting…or should I say refreshing…eh I know that today I DID NOT HAVE A DRINK! GO Sobriety!

2 Comments
  1. jefwheels 12 years ago

     Mike. It sounds like you had an emotional, enlightening rollercoaster ride of a day. Most would miss the golden needle in the massive hay stack that you faced today. Your son’s comments were to say the least revealing. It’s amazing that what those who love us the most want from us, at times is not what we might think. You keep doing that step work. It was the most unparalleled process of change for me I have ever experienced. I hope you have a sponsor and a home group. We say that if you don’t have a home group, you’re homeless. One more day brother. Stay strong and clean!     Johnny Wheels.

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  2. old_crazy_woman 12 years ago

    my sponser told me when i came to AA ..hold on tight cause it’s gonna be a bumpy ride..and you know what.. he was right…but as long as i didn’t drink i was gonna make it..and you know ..i did..you keep working the steps and going to meeting and working your program ..your gonna be fine..cause this to shall pass…i see you have 30 days..CONGRATS…wow..so proud of you..my sons asked me one day in my early recovery if i was gonna be ok…i look at them and said i’m gonna try..i had alot to get sober for,but my sponser told me..i have to get sober first and when i do then the family will follow..and they did..so don’t give up ..but take care of yourself first..you have to be number one..your program must always come first..and your higher power will take of the rest..ya just have to hold onto the faith…remember your not alone…hope you have a great day..god bless you always..ocw

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