It seems I've been making some progress in stride this last week. I've begun seeing a therapist who can hopefully help me get my anxiety under control. It's not perfect (nor will it ever be), but its a start. I've been feeling generally more hopeful lately. I hope that this is a symptom of finally taking control and not just another day/week long high that will disentigrate at the slightest prodding. I can't take those highs anymore.
It's odd, but I've been feeling lately like being in your early to mind twenties is, in some ways, almost like being a teenager all over again. Maybe it depends on what you're going through and when. Maybe it only happens to people who experience a loss of control of their mental state. But it seems as though I've spent the last year trying to find and redefine myself all over again- through my job, my relationships, my personality, etc. I've spent the last week in particular really musing about why I think the way I do, why I do things the way I do, etc. It's been an interesting ride through a part of "growing up" (?) that I thought I was…not done with, per se…just moving on from. I think deciding to try and get help with managing my anxiety has been a big mover with these thoughts. Having the anxiety reminds me of all the angst and mood swings of being in high school and it's frustrating to feel like, at 25, that you still are going through that and haven't fully dealt with it. It feels like regression. But I've come to realize that maybe it's not regression. Maybe it's just my mind's way to trying to reshape my thoughts into a healthier way of thinking and dealing.
It's a hopeful kind of feeling, like I said. I've been feeling very positive lately. I've been rethinking my goals and been feeling very motivated to make good choices in all aspects of my life. Why wait til New Year's to make those resolutions that we often break within a month (day…hour…)? I think we so often say we're going to make a change and then wait for that "perfect moment" to start- next semester, next week. Why not now? Why should any of us make ourselves wait for a more positive outlook? I think we put these things off because we're scared and sometimes, lazy. We tell ourselves we're preparing for these changes. Really, I think we're just giving ourselves excuses to keep up negative behaviors and put off actually having to do something about it for as long as we can.
I also think we sometimes tend to set unrealistic goals. When I was trying to manage my anxiety on my own, I would wake up the morning after a bad attack and say "Today, I'm going to change. I'm going to be a different person. I will no longer let the following things have an affect on me ever again." Unfortunately, most of us are not hard wired to work that way. It's like the wannabe dieter that decides to suddenly cut out all sweets and fats from their diet rather than try and cut down a little every day.
So I'm certainly not trying to preach here. I'm sure I still have rough days ahead. But it feels good to feel like I've started taking control and I hope my positive feeling can help others feel like they can do the same. It's just as important, if not more so, to reach out in positivity- I want to be able to look back on this entry the next time I'm having a hard time and remember that life isn't a raincloud following me around. Give thanks today and in the coming weeks for everything good in our lives; take a moment once every day and write down or mentally check off what you're grateful for today. It makes the bad things seem a bit more manageable.