I always come here when I\'m in a bit of a pickle. And I\'m in quite the pickle – sometimes I\'m even afraid for my safety.
I somehow got into a new relationship recently. It was never good. I just did it because I knew that my ex got married last month which is ruining me because he got engaged to the woman he married while he was still with me(see previous blogs for more context). I think I\'m understandably fucked up.
So I needed to forget about it and a rebound seemed appropriate.
I do not like this guy. Personality-wise, I do not get him. I don\'t feel like I could ever feel close to him – so there\'s really no point in continuing our relationship. But thanks to anonymity, I can be very frank. I find him attractive and I don\'t want to be alone.
But, recently he\'s been acting really sketchy. Worse than usual. He\'s started ordering me around, telling me to do things from putting on his shoes for him to performing sexual acts that I\'m not at all comfortable with. I say no, and so far it\'s been ok – he hasn\'t forced me to do anything, but he says he will. And he berates me, calls me useless, worthless, that he doesn\'t like me, can\'t stand me – but then later will say he\'s joking. And when I don\'t give him an answer he\'s happy with or if I don\'t want to answer, he restrains me until I say something. It makes me feel scared, but then, he always says it was just a joke and makes me feel like I\'m the one in the wrong.
There\'s this part of me that is like a siren going off, telling me to get out. I know I would tell a friend to get out right away. But I don\'t think I have the self-esteem or the will to do it for myself.
I have never really broken up with anyone before, I mean, I have – but I would do it in a fight when my partner is mad at me anyway and that makes it easy. And I\'ve never broken up with someone I\'m scared of. I\'m scared of this guy (which isn\'t helping my anxiety, either).
But I did break up with him this morning. For 10 minutes. He came back into my apartment saying he wanted to fight, which terrified me, but he made up with me and has been really sweet ever since. But who knows how long that will last.
I\'m also just scared to break up with him because there has been discussion about violence against women all over the media. I guess I feel anxious about it and I\'m afraid he might start stalking me. But then, all his threatening is just a joke, according to him. It\'s messing with my mind.