wow, it's been a long time. :[

 

nothing has really changed for me.. actually, i've been doing steadily worse because i recently decided to stop taking my anti-depressants. so i've hit a deep, smothering depression but at the same time i'm relieved that i don't feel numb anymore.

 

either way, it's still pretty terrible.

 

i have $1000 saved up in the bank at the moment. my plan is still to move into an apartment with cassie. since apartments are cheap in north carolina, i only need to save up a couple more thousand before i can consider moving in with her. there's a lot to do, but i need a goal.

 

i'm buying hair extensions because my hair is too short and i am never satisfied with my appearance. it's like my online friend who dyes her hair bright fuschia and then aquamarine then fire-engine red. i can't look the same for more than about.. a month. or else i start to become distressed and bored with myself.

getting a "halloween is over" comment from my co-worker made me feel really anxious again. and now i'm worried when i get my extensions i'll get even more shit from everyone. one bitchy girl at work said "hey, maybe i'll chop up my hair like you did" because she dyed it black. i actually complimented her about it, and thats when she made the comment. i can't believe how horrible girls are sometimes. i want a new job so badly, but the holiday pay is good and i'm deathly afraid of change and job interviews and meeting new people.

i should probably tell my psychiatrist i went off the anti-ds but i don't even want to think about it right now. :[ psychiatry is doing nothing for me. all that meds do is numb the pain, not alleviate it completely.

i start to wonder if i am really depressed or i am just in a really unhealthy environment and there is nothing to really look forward to in my life. all i do is work, spend time with superficial friends (very rarely), and sleep. for a while i thought i had mono because i ended up making out with a very questionably whore-ish boy, but i don't show any of the signs besides the excessive tiredness. it is probably just depression.

i want to feel better and not so paranoid. i have a ton of buspar i haven't taken, maybe i should start..

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