I’m feeling a little better about things today.  Like…  it all seems a little more possible.  I don’t know why.  Nothing’s really changed.  Everything’s just as daunting as it was before, but now, for some reason, I have a little more hope that it can be okay.  I feel a little more able to get through it.  I don’t feel ready to take on my problems...  because, I still don’t feel strong, but I feel like I might be able to get through them.  I still feel really weak and tired.  But…  I’m a little more hopeful than I was.  Hubby’s getting in the shower.  I thought about following him in, but I don’t want to push too much.  I may try that at some point.  Something like that…  where I’m there, and clearly ready to be taken in his arms, but I’m not exactly jumping on him, either.  He was sitting next to me a few minutes ago, and I said, "I’ll miss you, today," meaning while he was at work.  He said, "as will I."  And, that made me happy.  I don’t say these affectionate things to him, as much, b/c I don’t want to create awkward moments, where he doesn’t feel comfortable saying them back. 

I know he loves me, but he has trouble saying it, right now, because he’s hurt.  He has said it, and I can tell he clearly feels it.  But, his pride is hurt, and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s playing someone’s doormat.  I think he’s afraid people will think he’s whipped if he forgives me.  I don’t think he realizes that our friends don’t think he’s weak for sticking by me, the way he has.  They think he’s amazing.  Maybe, he’s taking into account a lot of messed up circumstances that led up to this.  Maybe, he just loves me too much to walk away.  But, whatever it is…  he loves me, and it doesn’t feel like he wants out.  I know he’s not ready to give voice to it, yet, and he may not even feel certain about it, yet, but I feel very strongly that he’s still contemplating a future with me.  He’s still here, with me, holding me every night, and it feels like we’re getting closer, little by little.  It’s hard, because I really need sex, and I’m not getting it.  I’m hopeful that once the drug issue (recreational addictive issues) has a fork in it, he’ll start wanting me, again.  That’s my best hope for that part of the relationship, right now. 

I absolutely adore him.  He’s so beautiful.  I hate the way it all went down, but the way he’s stayed close to me…  spending all his free time with me…  I wish he didn’t sleep so much, and I wish he wasn’t having such a hard time letting go of our messed up lifestyle, but I still love him with everything I am.  And, I don’t think he’d be getting, or staying, this close, if he thought we were done.  I really don’t think he’d do that to me.  He’s a very gentle, very kind person, in spite of being very strong, and very cynical. 

I am lonely, because of the distance between us, but I think we can overcome it.

I miss my best friend.  And, that’s a void that nothing else can fill.  But…  I guess, I have to learn to live with it.  He’s keeping his distance, and I can’t chase after him.  If I’m reaching out to him, again and again, trying to get him to come around, I’ll wind up wrecking what I’ve managed to hold onto here, with Charlie. 

A couple weeks after it all went down, I went to see Quinn’s band play, and Charlie realized I’d gone to the show, before I could get home and tell him, so, he wasn’t in a good mood when I got back.  I told him the truth, that I hadn’t spoken to Quinn.  I had a lot of friends there (he’s not my only close friend in the band), and I love their music, so, it was easy to keep myself occupied.  I wanted to talk to Quinn, but we couldn’t even maintain eye contact when we looked at each other from a distance.  Neither of us could approach the other.  (Guilty…  embarassed…  ect.)  We waved goodbye to each other when I left.  He was on the stage, at that point, and I was walking out of the bar.  I didn’t think that wave would be goodbye, forever, but…  that’s starting to seem possible.  I know…  everyone thinks I should just write him off, but I really hope there’s a way we can talk, at some point, because losing my best friend is killing me.  I have less than a handful of really close friends, and they mean the world to me.  Giving up any one of them is like cutting off a piece of myself, but…  giving up Quinn… 

for seven years, he’s always made me a happier person, just by being my friend (okay, so, for two months, he made me happier, in a different way, but the rest of the time…).  We talked like few people can – about EVERYTHING.  Politics, religion, love, family, trauma, self-loathing, suicide, resentment, fear – could talk about ideas that a lot of people wouldn’t understand, or care about. We could talk about anything, and he didn’t talk to just about anyone.    Not really…  not about the important stuff…  we confided in each other.  We could talk all night, and lots of times, we did.  And, we made each other laugh. 

I bought him back from a mugger once.  (Long story.) 

God, I miss him.  But, what can I do?  

I can save myself, and I think I can save my marriage, so, that’s what I have to focus on, right now.  The things that are within reach… 

I hope this little taste of optimism lasts.  Because, I still feel so fragile, and shaky.  It’s like I have all these wounds that have just begun to scab over, and if I move this way, or that way, without thinking, a wound rips back open, and the pain is fresh, all over again. 

I do ache for my husband.  He’s still by my side, and he is warming up to me.  A lot of guys woud be gone.  I let my hubby out for work a few minutes ago.  He doesn’t kiss me goodbye, but he hugs me.  I’m hoping that we get somewhere, soon.  I know the situation is in flux, and it’s about to tilt one way, or another.  I have to direct things, as best I can, towards something better than the way things have been.  I have to get out from under the things that have been holding me back.  But…  I have no way of knowing what things are gonna look like on the other side of this.  I’m sure on some level, I’m worried, that without the common purpose…  that us-against-the-world mentality that we’ve been living with…  that he won’t need me, anymore.  That he’ll move on…  but, of course, I would never want to hold onto him, that way.  And, rationally…  I don’t think that will happen.  He loves me.  He’ll only love me more, if I can pull myself together, because I’ll be more like myself (a whole person to love, experience, and enjoy), and less like a vessel for my dysfunctions.  I think, if we can gut through this, we’ll have a better chance.  For a lot of reasons…  sex being one of them…

its nice out.  I wanna go out there, and enjoy the weather, but I am so tired.  Maybe, I’ll compromise with myself.  A short nap, then, an outing…  perhaps… 

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