Hey I’m awake and alive!  I’m scared, bored and sad.  Happy, too.  Accepting where I am, accepting other people for what they are.  Someone amazing accepting me, helping me see.  Me, helping myself see.   I’m not eating as much lately, it feels easier.  Not really thinking about food except that it’s less complicating.  I have cappucinnos when I want to and don’t when I don’t.  I’m tired, although refreshed as I just slept.  My kind of life is letting the psychological baggage go.  But I’m still having trouble.  I don’t know how long this will even last.  I want to edit and I see this as meaningless garbage.  I don’t know why I’m here, except that I have nothing else to do.  At the same time I accept it because I can’t do anything else.  I want to contribute and know I am, if only the baggage would go it would be easier.  The Critic, the voice inside my head.  It won’t be long and I’ll be dead.  Into the ground, decomposing with the leaves, I’m clearing the brushes and the cycle of life will start over again (or at least people will continue to have babies, the world will continue to produce its critters, to die or maybe they will find something…).

I think I’m happy to be free.  To not have anything or anyone to tie be back, To have the Critic be so critical that its gone.  Simultaneously I know people and things don’t tie you back.  Only you, yourself can and that’s why I’m sad.  It doesn’t make sense, then again, little does.  I’m also sad because I know the critics not gone and i wish it was.  This is what pushes me onward; again I don’t understand the point of it.  It’s that contrast between knowing the critic will never be gone – excepting escapism tactics – and having it be so critical that it’s almost gone which is making me nervous at the moment.  So i’m almost myself, almost, but I’ll never get there until I die.  Maybe that’s why death is a good thing.  I mean, I don’t believe in taking your own life.  No.  That’s wrong.  It’s wrong because we don’t live in a bubble.  Nor would life be better if you were the only person on it.  That’s not to say there’s not too many people on the earth, sometimes it feels there is.  But maybe that’s just the culture of ME.  Maybe it’s qualitative not quantitative.  However, it does seem the quality of our life/lives would suffer if i or you or you and me were the only person/people living.  So it’s both qualitative and quantitative, does that make suicide justifiable?  On the individual level its not, nobody has the right to say my quality of life sucks so much i can’t do anything about it i’ll just kill myself.  In my opinion, everybody is responsible for him or her self.  But then, the thing is, when an individual does say that to themselves, they have just killed their individuality.  And people do do this.  Do different degrees of course and it would be hypocritical to assume you know who has killed their individuality, to what degree and who hasn’t.  Then you become more than an individual and – after all- every individual is different and is just that an individual…

What is this critic?  Is it individual or is it social?  I think for some its more individual, for others more social….there are millions of degrees of how social or individual you can be.  But you would think – if this critic is social you’d be less likely to commit suicide because, well, the social norms of suicide and females are trained to be more social and they have a lower suicide rate so that would make sense.  So maybe the people that are least likely to kill themselves are those that a) have lots of social and b) have equal portions of social to individual.  However, you would think those with b) would feel this tension between self and other all the more.  Not only do they feel it outside the world, they also feel it inside they’re head.  I’m one of those with b) dammit!  This gives me an odd standpoint.  I feel special to be like this because I can see both ways.  I also feel lucky because, it’s like, either way the world tugs I win.  Well not exactly.  I guess it’s easy to make mistakes about individuals, about them not choosing; when in reality that’s who they are!  Also for me if someone asked me to tip the scale in favor of the social or individual, I would pick individual so I guess I’m a little more individual than I am social so I do have people who are social who get peeved with me and of who I, myself, get peeved with.

Ah…. our lovely world 😉

Kallly

P.S.  I have used the concepts "individual" and "social" in a loose manner.  What I have in my head is that the individual is one, is more selfish, the social is more than one (i.e., three people, the culture of individualism), is easygoing yet more willing than the individual to sacrifice its needs for the whole – whether this be the greater good or not, of course, depends on the context of the situation. 

 

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