i have been feeling so much better overall since tuesday which was the day i saw my behavorial therapist. i feel much more relaxed, i am more anxious during the times i am anxious but during the times i\'m not i am more relaxed. i hope this is not just a light period and it is actually me feeling better. my therapist and i are doing EFP exposure and response therapy, i will admit it is tough having to expose myself to the triggers and then sit there and try to not find means of escape and wait for the anxiety to drop and ignore the thoughts that pound through my skull, but it has helped so much. i am still going to go on medication to hopefully prevent another relapse. it is not an easy descision for me to go back on medication due to the fact that i was over medicated big the last time and have a lack of trust with psychiatrists, but i always like to look for the silver lining in things, i guess you could call it a coping mechanism, but i think the silver lining is that i could get over my fear of psychiatrist and learn that not all are "pill pushers" i learned back when i was a teenager that mircles are not in a bottle and the best things in life are the things you do with your own two hands. that includes my own sanity, i am so glad i am feeling better. i hope it lasts for a long time and i hope to go back into remission again. even though this is the beginning of the road for me i know that the fight is far from over. my new year\'s resoultion is to improve my ocd and to hopefully go back into remission. if i don\'t that is fine. it is still nice to dream. i hope everyone has a wonderful safe new year\'s eve. i\'m going to be spending it with my family over take out pizza and open a few bottles of wine. i have a bottle of red chilean cabernet merlot and a bottle of peach lambric (which is actually a beer) waiting for me tonight. right now i don\'t really want anything complicated simple things seem to be the things i treasure most. even if it is being able to walk away from a door i used to check and not wanting to check it and walk to my car without checking it or feeling an urge to check, things like that simple things like that, for some reason make life so much more treasurable and just make me want to cry tears of joy.

i pray that everyone finds realif and finds the courage within themselves. have a happy safe new year. God Bless you all!!!!!!

-Vic