I know it has been a long time since I've been on here, but my OCD has come back so strong that I need to vent. I've been a Christian most of my life. For whatever reason the doctrine of Hell has taken over my mind and my life. I suddenly have such an intense fear of going to Hell, or even worse, of some of my loved ones being or going to Hell that everyday life has become difficult.
I do have some good news. I graduated college since I last was on here. You'd think I'd be thrilled, which I am for that, but my job search has been put on hold because I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I can't fathom how so many people will be tortured eternally. That doesn't seem fair to me, but then when I think this, I feel like I am questing God Himself and that He will send me to Hell for thinking these things.
It may sound silly to someone else but to me this is my life now. I literally think and worry about this non-stop. It has affected my eating habits, it keeps me from sleeping at night, and most of my day is spent reading the Bible and praying. I pray and beg God to let everyone go to Heaven, and I read and read searching for some loophole where Hell has maybe been taken out of context, but I can't find one.
Every minute of every day is spent thinking and praying about this. I've been crying every night for weeks over it. I don't know why it didn't bother me so much before, I guess I just never thought about it too much until now. I'm so scared that people, along with myself, will be condemned to Hell and that there will be no more hope at that point. It's hard for me to imagine enjoying life right now when so many people are or will be suffering.
I feel like a bad Christian, or that my reasons for being a Christian are selfish, and I feel really guilty about everything these days..moreso than in the past. I just want some sort of comfort that it will be ok, but it's hard to imagine that because the way I understand the doctrine of hell, most people will end up there among 'fire and brimstone' and 'gnashing of teeth' and permanent separation from God and I NEED God. I can't imagine that, and I don't want to.
I pray for the lost souls all of the time, but then I wonder if I'm questioning God again. I think I've driven the people around me crazy, because I'm always asking them about Salvation. I think they're tired of me wanting reassurance. That's why I've come back here. I want to feel sane again, and I want some sense of peace of mind that everything WILL be ok.
I also worry that I have somehow led people astray from finding their own Salvation. I belong to Religious debate groups and sometimes I feel like maybe in the process of debating, what if I have led people away from Christ rather than towards Him. I worry about this all of the time as well. I just feel like a lost puppy right now. I feel so overwhelmed, and I'm physically and mentally tired from praying so much.