The second half of my hell memoir is about what happened AFTER my shrink told me what she told me….my mother this weekend comes barging into the house where we live with my degenerate brother who punched my mother's boyfriend in the face because my brother has severe anger managment problems and is an INCREDIBLY spoiled brat. My mother comes to my crying, sobbing, putting on heartbreak music (which is a HUGE trigger for me)…then she starts barging into our apt in the basement, moving in her extra stuff, then there's awkwardness between my father and her…I don't know how the house (or myself) didn't explode. Later that night, Eric and I went to my best friend's house and we got into an arguemnt there in front of him…It started when I asked Eric if he was ok and that I'm sorry that my family is in shambles right now and that I want to just get away from all of them, then somehow I said to him, " I always feel very insecure about this whole wedding date thing, because I feel like you aren't sure you want to marry me becuase of my family being NUTS…then he snapped and said, "You're not ready to get married!!" I stopped and just stared at him in shock…then my friend micheal said, "Wait what?" Then I started crying and told Eric that I just wanted to go home (we were all about to go out). Eric held me and said.." No, its fine, we can go out, everything is fine," Then micheal said.."No she doesn't look fine," and Eric said to micheal that we're just going to take a walk outside to talk for a few minutes but that we would be back…When we got outside and I asked him, "what the hell was that about?" He told me that right now is NOT the time to be planning or even thinking about a wedding…he said that right now, he doesn't want to be involved with my family because of the unresolved tension between my parents, my mother being crazy right now, and my brothers acting like degenerates as they're caught in the middle of my parents….he said that the way my family is right now, (especailly my mother), that when he thinks about planning the wedding, he cringes because me knows how involved the families have to be in the wedding planning and that right now, its hard to deal with them at all during all this hell….I said to him that if he didn't know if he wanted to marry me NOW, then he was NOT going to want to marry me 10 YRS FROM NOW and that he might as well just FORGET IT…then he said, it has nothing to do with that, and that we WILL get married and that he WANTS to marry me, but that right now, we have so many other things that we need to worry about like moving out of my dad's house, and getting away from my family, getting my medication settled (another story..I told you I'm going through hell right now), and just letting the drama with my family unfold. Then I asked him, "So what are we just not going to get married until you dont mind my family?" and he told me no, thats not that case, just that right now we have a lot of other things to worry about right now and that right now is also the worst time to be planning a wedding with my family involved because of all the drama right now, he again told me, and made me look him in the eyes, that he WANTS to marry me…and I felt ok because I did believe him…but give me a few days to brew everything together in my head and here I am again…crying and not knowing what the HELL is going on…does he want to marry me does he not want to marry me, is he stalling because he's waiting for something better, or he just doesn't know what he wants and is waiting to make a decision about whether or not to go through with thsi and stay wth me and eventually marry me? ALL THAT is POURING INTO MY BRAIN ALL AT ONCE to the point where today, I literally CURLED up into a ball on my floor and fell asleep for 4 hours while he was at work. THe most sucky part? I was in a really good mood this morning, and then out of nowhere it all HIT ME like a train and I was back to rock bottom….Eric keeps staying when I tell him that he could leave if he wants, he doesn't, or atleast he hasn't yet (now I have to do a compulsion of some sort because I said "he hasn't left me,") I HATE my doctors, and I hate my life and I just want some peace…I felt better once Eric got home and I saw him smile at me, and then when I heard him talking to the GIRL in the telecommuting group (this one's name is Monika), my heart sank again and I had to take a clonopin….yes I'm now afraid of another girl, in addition to the one at his job….these are the rantings of a psycho path everyone…I hope I've made someone feel better about themselves…but most of all…I hope someone reads this, God I'm pathetic….OH and by the way, my psychologist wants to UP my Luvox dosage to 300 mgs!!! WONDERFUL!!! because I've been on 200 mgs for A MONTH, seen NO progress, in fact I've seen QUITE the opposite…and he says…"eh, lets up it," Well guess what! I'M NOT DOING IT

1 Comment
  1. anxiousinohio 11 years ago


    It sounds to me like Eric really loves you and is sticking by you through a lot of stuff. I know until your anxiety levels come down this probably won't help much but if you could really step back and look at your situation you would see that he obviously loves you or he would not be there.

    Hope you feel better soon. All that extra family drama is not helping your situation. I do feel for you.

    0 kudos

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