Triggers–that means that very, very depressing stuff follows and I feel I should warn readers in advance.[br]
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Very strange feelings today, anxiety, a sense of dread, occasional calm. New meds causing the rise in anxiety, I think. Need people to talk to, I need friends in my life. Currently my only friends are online, which is okay, but sometimes it can be difficult–one friend I chat with, but only if we’re both online at the same time, which doesn’t happen that often. Which is too bad, because I really enjoy our chats. Another friend I communicate by email, which is good in one way because I can rant all I want to whenever I want. The problem is, there may be no response for a few days, and sometimes I feel like I need someone to talk to now. [br]
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Actually, I don’t know if it matters. There used to be a bunch of people, most with SA or related problems, that I woudl email regularly, but that didn’t make us friends, with most of them I didn’t feel like I could say anything. That’s what I want, someone who won’t get tired of me bitching about how much my life sucks (which is what I saw when I’m depressed), and understands how hard, nearly impossible, it seems to be for me to change anything in my life.[br]
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It’s so hard to explain to people, but I can’t explain everything until I feel comfortable enough with them to share that kind of stuff, because it’s the inside story of how I became a loser, so I don’t like just blurting it out to strangers hoping they’ll not despise me.[br]
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But sometimes I wonder what good it would do, just to have more people to complain to. I don’t know, I guess when I first came to this site I thought I would make more online friends, but I don’t know how to get another person to think well enough of me to form the kind of online friendship I think is helpful. I write to people, but what do I say to someone to get more than a one line response? The chat room is nice, but I can’t chat much in there, it’s an odd sort of social anxiety I have that operates in chat rooms, If there’s more than one or two other people involved I clam up (it’s stupid, I know, but you all probably know that our anxieties rarely make sense).[br]
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I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore, I’m just ranting because I don’t feel right at the moment, and when I feel like this is when I feel my isolation the most. And this site makes me feel old, because so many people here are younger than I am–I know that most aren’t that much younger than I am, and people older than I could say the same of me. But 28 is not really my age, not in my own mind. In many ways I never grew up past 20. I mean I’m intelligent, I’m suitably mature for my age, but I’m socially stunted. I live at home, I don’t work. And what exactly does the future hold for me? When I’m not depressed, I’m basically in denial, I just kill time by reading or watching movies or whatever and don’t think of my problems (which is one reason why I sometimes do little to change things). But if I think of the future, of my problems, then I become so depressed that I’m unable to do anything but sit around and wish I was dead. And I feel angry, very angry that in spite of my intelligence and what I consider to be my value as a person, I can see no place for myself in this world. Somewhere in my life I went off the tracks, and now I’m just utterly superfluous. I don’t belong anywhere. My parents have no problem with me living at home, but I don’t feel like I belong here, I’m too old to be depending on them for so much. But I don’t belong anywhere else, there’s no place filled with people who will understand me, where I can meet people, get a job that won’t drive me insane, maybe fall in love and get married. [br]
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I’ve wasted too much of my life doing things that only made my problems worse and worse. It took ten years for me to get into this hellhole of a life. If it takes another ten years to dig myself out, is it really worth it?