Hello Everyone, This is Iris… And I finally realized that what I have been trying to fight through for the last six months… no scratch that, for all of my earlier years.

I’ve been trying to find that place where I finally find peace.    ♥     I found it briefly when I finally admitted to myself that I am Transgender.  I know you’ve all heard that before… But here is my version:  When I step back from myself and look at what I have been using to distract myself from this nagging interior disquiet; I see myself in this mirror and the image isn’t clear: Maybe it is because I can’t ‘see myself through the fog of MJ smoke, or the soporific effects of drinking wine.

I don’t really know who I am, But I know I am not that boy I have been pretending to be. I want to believe that someday, I will become Iris!  The confident and  empathetic bright girl I have always felt inside. But I am not sure how to let her out!

Here, online, in “The Tribe” I finally feel free, where I can truly share Iris with everyone else.  You have been so welcoming, thanks to all of you from then bottom of my heart!

There are so many doubts in my mind, worrying about what others will think.  But what I am most concerned about is this: What if I finally end up in that place where S stops existing, and I am living entirely as Iris and I don’t like who I am?

This is the nagging thought that wakes me up from dreams where I am happy.  And into this world where I am most aware of myself and the Uncertainty  is looming overhead. I don’t like feeling this way.

Hold on, Tony is yowling… got to see what he is worrying about… Okay, I’m back. He was showing me the favorite big soft toy he hunts, captures and brings to me. I think he is trying to remind me that I am not alone, that there are people and animals (I think of as people) who miss me, and the affection I give them.

I am not sure of who I will become as Iris, sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who she is!

But when I write her story in my head, when I feel like I am in her world, it feels like a place where I would much rather spend my time!  Where I can freely admit that I am an Alcoholic.  Where I can kiss boys and girls with unabashed passion, and have no concern about what anyone else might think!

I don’t know for sure where I am heading. But I do know that it is not in the place where I have been spending all of my time lately.

It isn’t in the bottom of a bottle, or in a MJ high…

I think I get brief glimpses of her when I am volunteering as a tutor for local kids. I love working with the younger students. Until recently this has all not been IRL or face to face, (Zoom is not the answer).  Face to Face is best, sitting at the table together. It is when I am putting in an effort that benefits someone other than myself, that I see her and feel her. This feels like the most reliable time I can expect to transcend  S. When I stop of being aware of myself,  and that I leave (ever so briefly) all those crappy mixed up emotions behind. Where I can finally find that internal peace.

Or in the brief salvation of bringing an old bicycle back from the brink of a junk yard crusher… Okay, it actually is in these times that I forget all of the Bullsh^t crashing around in my head.

Anyways, I am sending all of you a hug, a smile, some confidence, hope, prayers and peace.   – Iris