I wrote this a few nights ago, trying to collect my thoughts and not having anybody I felt like I could go to right at the moment. Now I think I have a place to share this.
I don't really know where to go with this. I'm struggling emotionally again and not really sure what to do. I don't want to go to my boyfriend for reasons I'm not even sure about. There are immediate concerns, such as him being sick…and I guess that's about it. Or just simply having another hospital run for me recently. I know I can't help it, but I feel like it's just yet another demand from me.
I feel stuck in many ways, trapped, and I'm starting to feel alone. I'm also feeling like I can't put things out there the way I once could because my boyfriend is also around on a lot of the same websites I am. So by that token if I want to put it out there that I'm struggling and I need help, I have to tell him. But I am conflicted on that because I feel bad for not wanting to ask him on the flip side of it, because I feel like that might also on the other hand make him wonder why I wouldn't ask him for help, or why I wouldn't want it from him. So there's the second-guessing and the doubting. But I also don't want to keep asking for things because then I feel burdensome. I say to myself I could do more to counteract that, but I also don't do well with following through on that because part of me honestly doesn't want to do things, and also there is a real degree of lacking energy to do stuff in many situations.
Part of me may be numbing…I don't know. Part of me just wants to check out. I'm tired of this. Over and over. I haven't applied for many jobs yet, just two or three, but not even a call back. But I also haven't put out more applications because I forget to or I'm tired or busy. The thought of getting ready for the spring concert has already given me a twinge of anxiety. How am I going to get through all this? How am I going to do this? I just want to give up. I feel like I let people down, and even when I know it's not my fault…I feel like there's not much I can do to make up for it either. I feel too strange.
Sure, I'll get through this, but it will come back again. It's worse at night.
My fantasies are about not having to deal with things. Of course. That's the real secret to it all.
“Part of me.” I use that phrase so often. I'm getting to dislike it. Not getting to. I do dislike it. Does it make me feel fragmented? Maybe. It is an aspect of my tendency to understate, at least sometimes. Other times it more legitimately reflects some ambivalence or indecision or having different thoughts about things, courses of action, etc.
I have some urges to do something that might stand out, maybe something drastic, that would get attention. Something that would get people to say, “are you ok?” or “what's wrong? What's going on?” or “do you need help?” or something like that. I'm not exactly sure what. Maybe disappearing somehow, some form of silence. At least from the internet. But at the same time, I get some comfort and support from it, so I doubt I would do that. I will reach out, look for it, try to get it.
It's possible I'll stop going to work. I don't know. I doubt I'll go that far…but who knows. I might wind up walking out. It all depends on what my mood does during the daytime.
But some of this is what I describe as “passive-aggressive” stuff, too. Wanting people to come to me and recognize my struggles, ask me if I'm ok, what I need, whatever. Then it feels like less of an imposition when I say I'm not ok and ask them for things. They've already offered, they've already checked in on me.
The idea of living a simple isolated life somewhere is tempting, to just avoid the potential problems, if only by an amputation in essence. But my stupid body has also made me very dependent on other people. Not that it would be possible in the first place. I don't have enough savings for even some tiny cabin in the woods somewhere.
I feel a temptation to send or leave dramatic messages for people. But again, that's just begging for attention in the wrong way, and it would also make people worry unnecessarily, and that's not fair.
Do I not feel loved enough? Do I not feel cared about enough? What do I need? What do I want?
Right now, I'd just like to hide and make everything go away. I kindof feel like I don't care about any of the rest of that. Just make everything go away.
Today I'm not worse. I wouldn't say I'm feeling better, but I'm feeling a little different. As some background, I have Crohn's disease and migraines. I'm in the midst of a Crohn's flare-up and a migraine is what caused the recent hospital trip when it didn't respond to my assortment of prescriptions. I'm a music teacher and I put on seasonal concerts. It's time for me to start planning for my spring concert, picking out songs. Last year I couldn't do it because I had a bad time with Lyme disease, although things went well with this year's winter concert.
My Crohn's flare-up is being persistent and seems to be worsening, so that's a factor in my mood, too.
I think it's time for me to look for a therapist again. I had one, but he left the practice he was part of, and is otherwise too far away for me to keep seeing. He was going to get back to me with some recommendations and never did.
In the meantime, and on-going (since mood and problems won't conveniently wait for a weekly or biweekly appointment) I want to try and build up some support for myself. And I believe in mutual support, too. Hopefully I can have something to offer in return.