I cant imagine myself being trans, maybe gender-fluid?, but the older I’ve gotten the more it gnaws at the back of my mind. I’ve suppressed these feelings for so long, that I’m not quite sure exactly what they are or what they mean to me. It got to the point I could no longer stay silent about it to the closest people around, so I told my wife and my best friend, and have been sorting through and dealing with them.
-Male side-
I’m not the most masculine person to begin with, although outwardly I do not seem out of place, and the time I felt most grounded as a male was when I grew a beard. I once had a day that I felt so sluggishly male, it felt like if a part of me was missing, that she wasn’t there at all. I would most likely shock a majority of family and friends telling them I don’t always feel completely Male. I feel as if I’m an imposter and couldn’t be part of the LGBTQ+ community or even welcome in it.
-Female side-
So even to a small degree, I’ve questioned my gender for 16 years now. On days I feel predominantly female I have a hard time relating with men, I feel out of place, fragile, and scared that I might do something that would oust me being anything other than a white cis male. I know I could never pass completely, my facial hair alone changes the colour of my skin with how thick and dense it is. I know there is special makeup for it but I have zero experience with makeup period, and I cannot help but feel pervy when looking up cross dressing stuff, even on my most feminine days.
Hey Link, It is comforting to me to know that I am not the only one dealing with these sort of feelings! Don’t give up hope okay? There are so many of us out here, trying to find the courage to finally expose to the world, “Who we feel we are on the inside” Sending you a hug, a smile, some peace, prayers and love – Iris
Hey Link, I guess we are kind of different in some fundamental ways…. when I look up information on “Cross dressing” , looking at clothes, reading blogs, these quests of curiosity… I get excited. tbh, Looking for women’s clothing for me to wear is actually one of those things that I routinely experience as arousing. (blush)
~♥~
It is a relief to know that I am not the only one going through these feelings!
~♥~
Then again, I am approaching these through the eyes of a teen who has barely started gong through puberty. Even if I have known internally that I have “been different” for years. It was not until just a few years ago that I learned the vocabulary to accurately express how I have been feeling..
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I am looking for other Trans people that are going through similar experiences and reading what they have been thinking about… I am thankful that there are people out there who have already gone through these steps, are honest about their feelings and courageous enough to share them.
~♥~
Sending you some of my love, a hug and a smile – Iris
Hello again
I also have feelings of perversion when i do certain things but most othher times i feel relaxed and comfortable. This very troubling for me because it only adds to my confusion. If i always felt the comfortt when i dress feminine and never had thise moments of shame it would be easier for me. I am trying to spend more time dressed and in a feminine mindset. My attempt to push the issue but eventually something happens and i feel disgust. A couple of weeks ago i was out on my front deck refilling a bird feeder. I was wearing a bodycon tank dress and heels. While i was out there reaching up to get the feeder i turned and saw my neighbor sitting in his car. He was across the street and it is pretty far away but i ghink he saw me. Three times now he has made bad jokes about something trans related and it makes me feel very azhamed. If thiz is the true me i shouldnt have thise feelings. I wish i coulld get away from here and just start over
I live in a rural area and I can relate wanting to move somewhere and start over. I’d like to go to a progressive city where I am just one of the fish in an ocean of diversity.