Ive been batteling with my addiction for most of my adult life. 11 years.
it took me to dark places.
I was clean for a while, got released from a mental hospital after i was there for 3 years in the closed ward. finnished school, started my carreer, doing well…
"lets buy! we'll have fun" my friend said. what a mistake.
and so we did. And at first it was amazing, we had so much fun i was on fire…
so I bought again…and again… then i started buying alone…and more, and more…every morning on my way to work, i buy for the day…but it stoped being fun. Now its a nightmare.
I forget how much I take. I constantly feel ill. My body is poisened. Shutting down. so I pop prescription pills to go through the day, to make it through another day at the office.
Its already been 2 months, and its a fully blown relaps.
Im numb. Im sick. My body is shutting down but I just cant stop.
Im losing my mind, always confused, my thoughts and emotions are out of controll.
last week I lost track of how much I took…I was home alone and I started flipping out. I got a phsycotic attack, and OD in my room. It was scarry, I was so close to calling my best friend and tell her everything, but I was too afraid to lose everything.
at the last moment I grabed one of my anti-phsycotics and prayed. My parents came home, they found me in my room, in the dark, all whiped out, the house was a mess, my room looked like it was hit by a storm and I wasn't responding. Just sat at the corner of my bed, in the dark shaking and praying. I prayed that they would pick up that something is wrong and save me. But they didn't.
Just can't stop….losing my mind, my body is so broken. And Im fading away.
This morning I did another 2…everytime before I use I ask myself "are you ready for the ride?" I just never know whats waiting for me. Now I just feel ill…and numb. And I just want the streangh to not buy today. Thats all. Im not even thinking about getting clean, that's way too much to ask for in my situation. I just want one clean day, so I can sleep right, eat good, and let my body and my brain recover from all the damage that Im doing. Just to remember what it feels like to sober, to feel healthy.