How do you feel?
its a question we are asked constantly, well i know im asked this all the time anyway and the automated response seems to be ''ah im grand'' well the truth runs alot deeper than that and the next time someone asks me how i am im going to ne honest , wheather thats means saying ' well i feel like shit' or 'im really happy today' im just going to be honest. I know alot of the time im brutally honest but while i am that, im also someone who keeps things botteled up, mostly cos i dont really know what the problem is, sometimes i just feel really pissed off, upset, angry, alone etc etc for no paticular reason and thats just the way it is.
Trying to explain to a friend who has never had addiction problems why i didnt tell her i used recently was something else, she got really annoied and said it made her feel used, lied to and irrelevant cos i probably had already told this person and that person and she couldnt understand why i just didnt tell her straight away. I tried to explain that its really hard to tell people when i fuck up cos i feel so shit about it myself that i feel i cant tell other people and the reason for that, i think, is that i still carry alot of guilt with me about the past, about the things iv done to people, the lies iv told, the hurt iv casued etc etc. I was honest with her and told her my thougts on it (above) and also said that unfortunatley theres nothing i can do about the past, all i can do is try and make the furtre better. To this she replied somehting along the lines of ' well i just need time to think, i dont understand why you cant tell me things when they happen, why you have to keep things from me,were suppossed to be best friends'
Well what am i supposed to do, i texted back and forth for ages saying i was sorry but the sad reality of it is that there is nothing i can do about the past, all i can do is try my best to make the future better.
To be honest im sick of saying sorry, if iv said it once iv said it a million times. Im not that person anymore, i dont ever want to be that person so what the fuck am i supposed to do…? Im kind of stuck in the middle of…..myself at the moment, i dont know what to do, i dont really know who to be cos i cant go back to being my old self-look where that got me, so its as if im going to have to build a new person around what i am now , if that makes sense,,,im finding it hard though…