I can't think of too many other times where I felt this alone. I know I say that a lot and maybe this is a feeling that I feel really often, but it's really strong right now and it's making me feel like I want to just crawl into bed and sleep. Last week, this whole thing happened where my therapist and I called the police so that a crisis team can commit my bother who was (probably still is), incredibly suicidal. My parents and my brother lied to the crisis team and told them I lied or overexaggerated.
Since then, I've completly stopped talking to both parents and my brother, but I still keep in contact with my youngest brother, Kyle. It's his birthday today.
I used to call my mother every day or at least every time when I was feeling like this…helpless, alone, overwhelmed with despair, and she would manage to make me feel better. Unfortunatley, she was the only one I could really go to. My husband lost his job and is wrapped up with dealing with that problem, my other two friends are really shallow, and my best friend is on cloud 9 with his new job so when he's happy, he's really shallow and cold-he has new work friends now.
So now I really do feel like I'm alone…my mother used to be the person who I would talk to, but after what she did, I can't bring myself to talk to her. She's going around and telling the rest of my family that I made things up to try to get my brother committed….why would I do that!? She would call me herself everyday crying about my brother, "I can't help Matt, I don't know what to do, your father is never home, he's with that slut girlfriend of his, blah, blah." So she trusted me with some of her deepest issues but then when I make the call to get my brother help, I'm a crazy lunatic.
I can't describe how much this hurts. I'm in so much pain and I feel like I need someone to remind me constantly that I'm not a loser, I'm not crazy, I'm worthy of being loved, anything like that. I feel like I need some kind of reassurance that everything will be OK, because I really don't think everything will be OK.
I have school coming up soon and I have to complete a project by November 4th…but I have no desire to do any art. I have no desire to get up in the morning, no desire to better myself.