Hello 🙂

How silly is this… I have many great friends – always say a nice word to me and I guess it's because I take the time to ensure they are okay etc!! Anyways, theres this one person who I studied with… only have to see her at graduation… but she sticks in my mind like she has some form of control over me and like I seek her approval.. its so strange. Im 24 – she is 40 .. my therapist thinks i rubber band her.. so she reminds me of someone else so makes me feel like she is this person.

I can take a guess it may be my sister as she always comes across like we in competition, kind of like this person from my studies as we were both top of class so she befriended me then it is kind of like.. she can't handle me getting same marks as her.

I know this sounds really silly… but I had to do a blog on it as it is affecting my mood. If I see she has written to someone else but has ignored my messages – It makes me feel like utter crxp and I really dont know why I am bothered.

My OCD is worse lately too. I used to have selective items I wanted to keep and was anxious about discarding but now its anything I may feel drawn to keeping – boxes, wrappers, even my grandads garage sale – I saw a teddy and last night got upset as I felt I could hear it shouting out for me… I know this all sounds very bizarre but to be honest.. I just had enough of not saying any of this and hope that this space it will not be judged.

I am just keeping this all repressed and feel at any point i am going to explode. Lets hope that happens in therapy on thursday so she can see some real emotions from me instead of a smiley "im ok" person.

ROAAAAAAAAAAAAR.

Thank you for reading. Big love to u xxxxxxxxx

6 Comments
  1. Neil_ODonnell 11 years ago

    Hi:

     

    I had similar issues when I was an undergraduate and grad student. All I can say from my experience is that I eventually learned to ignore anyone that seemed to not respect me or get back to me when I sent them messages.  There are still days such things bother me, but those days are few and far between.  As for the issue of keeping things, I've had similar difficulties getting rid of stuff (especially stuffed animals).  It got easier for me to deal with this issue once I was open about my obssessions with my doctor and I began gettng treatment.

    I hope this helps.  Take care.

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  2. Mand862 11 years ago

    Thanks Neil, it did!! Like I said I have lots of friends who lovely so why I worry about this person who is selfish etc who knows!!

    Yeah I have a loft full of what I now call "Crxp" and I want it all gone, but I just can't seem to do when people are in the house, I just cant handle having OCD at the moment! Just feel like escaping, might just jump in car and see where I end up lol!!

    How is your day? xx

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  3. stoneymahoney 11 years ago

    I used to work at a LAN gaming centre – think a whole load of really expensive PCs on a network with lots of multiplayer games for people to come in and play for a modest per-hour fee – and I saw lots of aggressive competitive relationships between people. I frequently had to break up shouting matches that escalated from simple conversations about some aspect of a game (usually an RPG like World of Warcraft) or mine-game-is-better-than-your-game fights. There were a few customers (and one of staff) who seemed to thrive on the conflict and stress they caused the other person, like the found delight in causing misery and upsetting people over tiny things like that. I came to the conclusion that it’s a kind of intellectual macho domination assertion. Not only can they argue arcane points about computers game better than you, they can get under your skin at the same time. I can imagine seeing that kind of person in any environment where intellectual endevour can be seen in even the vaguest of competitive natures.

     TL;DR version: she’s Barry Kripke from The Big Bang Theory.

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  4. Mand862 11 years ago

    Ohh yes heard alot about the addiction of WoW.  I actually jumped in car earlier and got the map out, wiggled finger over the map and went ..right I'll go there – then mate wanted in on the action lol so i took a detour round and picked her up! Before I got her I had a little…cry *blush*.. I never like to cry.. i feel its a weakness but knew I needed one so allowed a few tears to drop!! I am going to cinema tonight with the same friend so hopefully that will make me feel better.  Just being out helps as in the house is where my OCD is worse so being out, esp. in the car – I am free from the thoughts of OCD.

    Hope you are having a better day today xx

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  5. Lee1958 11 years ago

    I totally understand the feeling of being impressed/infatuated (maybe too strong of a word)/happy to like to be around a certain person.  It does not even have to be on the love level, simply platonic.  I have a friend who befriended me after 20 years of not seeing each other.  We meet back via facebook. At first she showed great interest in my accident and subsequent OCD….but when she realized she couldn't control me, nor was "fixing" OCD a staight-forward, fast fix, she kind of gave up on me.  So, when ever she sucks up and acts concerned towards our other friends, I just snicker and realize how fake she is…..but it still saddens me that she no longer cares about me.  So, I get you hurt, confusion, whatever emotion you care to place on it.  For me, it makes me want to just walk away from everyone and never trust or confide in anyone again.  Good luck with your therapy.  I just started, but all I do is stare at the floor.   Stupid on my part, but….

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  6. Mand862 11 years ago

    Hi Lee,

    Thank you for your comment.  I think with this woman, its more that I like to be liked and I guess because I feel she not putting anything into a friendship that was once good it makes me worry something I have done.  Anyway.. that was yesterdays thought.. todays thought is better… this person sent me message by mistake talking about me about something private.. she is selfish.. doesnt bother to care about anyone but herself and has little friends.. so shows that others agree with me… so.. today i woken better.. why on earth would I want her in my life 🙂

    Sorry to hear about your friend, sounds like my sis actually, she tries to be all concerning but when the attention off her she soon puts that back to her lol so again, i used to worry about her, but now i dont waste my energy, I think having amazing friends around me (touch wood lol) means that I realise what true friendship is and that these people who just use us are really not worth a place in my mind or heart 🙂

    And lastly, sorry this is long, you sound like me in therapy, however, I am more a just laugh it off and say everythings ok… I dont know if you read my previous blog but it was about therapy and how i find hard to open up… then when i do.. my mum wants to stop them, … so I am determined this thursday to go in there with a few things on a list so i can use the time wisely!!

    Apologies again for the long response 🙂 xxx

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