well it's the 2nd thanksgiving without my dad. it's really hard still even though it'll be two years this coming may that he passed. plus on top of all that my dog of 15 years passed away two days before thanksgiving. i've never had to witness that before and it was horrible. i was so hoping she would pass in her sleep but it totally didn't turn out that way. i ended up collapsing in the floor when i realized she was gone. i know it's just a dog, but she was the one constant thing in my life for the past 15 years who would always love me and listen to me and comfort me no matter what i had to say or what i did. Nala was a daddy's girl too. My dad trained her and took care of her a lot up until he got really sick. It's like everytime i close my eyes i see my father on the gurney in the emergency room and now i see Nala and how she was before she passed. i feel like my mind is never going to be at ease or feel rested because i'm constantly having these wondering thoughts. When my ex boyfriend and our friend was burrying her all i could think about was oh my god they are burrying her alive and that's all i keep thinking…even though i know it's not true because my ex reassured me but still it's still in my head and i hate it. I ended up taking some tramadol that the vet had given Nala and i'm finally up to 200mg of anafranil and i ended up sleeping a lot today.. i didn't want to think about anything. my unemployment is going to end soon and i'm scared. With my mom's help i'm going to file for disabilty again. I've only told one person about it so far. I have yet to tell my ex. I'm afraid of what he'll think but i know he'll find out in due time.
i'm ready to get off this ride