I'm not even sure where to start this. I'm sad for a variety of reasons and its making me act/feel strangely. I just entered my first year of graduate school and got straight A's, but the distance from home has been hard (8 hours away). I'm 10 hours from my boyfriend and still sad about his choice to move that far away for a job when one was available near me. I know that probably sounds dramatic, but after 2 and a half years together and me sitting by his side as his mom passed away and comforting him as much as he needs, I felt we'd be progressing our relationship by now.
In high school, I was kind of dramatic and easily upset. I didn't fully love myself so I was also easily jealous of friends and found my self worth in what others thought of me. I guess that's probably pretty typical in high school. In my undergraduate career, I went through a really rough depression and ended up being a much, much better person and was more open and caring. I had so many friends and really took pride in who I am. I avoided speaking negatively of others and tried to erase negativity from my life.
Lately, however, I have not been doing so well. I can't remember how it felt to be that joyous, confident, sweet girl and its really starting to upset me because I do not know what I can do about it. I found out that my boyfriend has been hiding things about another woman and maybe I'm overreacting because they do work together, but he has been texting her and snapchatting her and never told me about her before. I just figured it if it was nothing, he would have told me about it and not gotten so defensive about it. He was so mad at me for being upset about it that he told me he could not talk to me about it because he was in "mid game" of his new playstation game. That really hurt because he never used to do that and was always so considerate of me before. I feel so hurt and insecure with him which is very upsetting because he was always the rock I turned to and is the guy I've loved more than anything. So my deperssion sorta has picked up on that and focused in on it. Instead of valuing myself like before, I've been feeling so sad and spiteful towards others (is that part of depression or am I just turning into a bad person?) that I feel like he deserves so much more than me and it only adds to me feeling lost. I have OCD, too and lately I think its just been rooted in the negative thoughts and I think of these mean awful things I could say/do to him and its really upsetting me. I miss being cheerful and sweet to everyone.
Even another female student from graduate school has been a good friend, but criticizes me a lot and along the way, I've lost my positive, confident self and I want it back.
What do I do? Are these thoughts normal? How can I address the negativity without being mean and spiteful towards others (which I think would only hurt worse as I'd lose friends)? I keep having OCD thoughts that I'd be mean to my boyfriend about his mother who passed away, which is AWFUL and I hope is not indicative of me as a person, but rather my OCD. I don't know. Everything seems so hopeless and I'm usually such a people person. I love laughing at myself and making others happy, but lately I have not been acting in either way.
Thanks for any help 🙂