I am new to this site and blogging in general.  I realized that I needed a place where I can let it all out and hopefully by doing that I will start to feel better. 

I have been depressed for a long time.  I am fearful that my daughter will grow to be depressed as well.  I can remember when I was young wishing that my parents would get a divorce and my dad would "find us a better mom."  I am the oldest of 3 daughters.  We grew up as mom’s "little slaves."  We did all the chores…cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc.  I remember one time my mother had found a dirty dish and emptied the cupboards and made my sister and I rewash all the dishes in the house.  We had to climb onto the counter in order to put things in the upper cupboards.  My parents did finally divorce when I was about 27.  As an adult I had learned that my mother had numerous affairs throughout their marriage.  When the divorce was in the works I knew that there had to be another man.  She is not the kind of woman that can be on her own.  When I confronted her about who was it this time I learned some very shocking news.  She informed me that if it had not been for me she would not have had "such a terrible life."  She became pregnant with me at 17 and married.  She then proceeded to tell me that my dad was not my biological father.  Suddenly all I had ever believed was false.  After about a year she finally told me the name of my biological father.  At that point I was torn.  I had a wonderful dad, the man I grew up with and didn’t want to hurt him by meeting this other man.  My dad sat down with me one night and told me that if it were him he would want to know where he came from and it wouldn’t hurt him at all if I were to meet my biological father or have any relationship with him.  I finally did call my biological father and met with him once.  I didn’t need a dad, I already had the greatest one in the world.  I had thought that I was finally putting the pieces back together in my life until I was dealt yet another blow.

When my son was 9 days old I came home from brunch with my stepmom and sister to find my husband moving out.  I was clueless.  I later learned that he had been having an affair the entire time I was pregnant with our son.  One day while speaking to him mother I learned that everything he had ever told me was a complete lie.  When we met he had told me that he had been in the Navy and had a son from a previous relationship.  These were also things that mutual friends believed.  It was all a lie.  The man I married didn’t even exisit. 

I picked myself up yet again.  I had been a stay at home mom when he left. and hadn’t worked for almost 3 years.  I went back to school with a toddler and an infant.  I managed to maintain a 4.0 GPA and graduate with honors.  It was a real struggle though.  I do believe that the 3 of us are better off and my life is better than it would be with him but it is still a constant struggle.  Money is always very tight and I want so much to be able to do more for my kids.  They are both doing well in school and are so very well behaved and seem so well adjusted.  Still I worry though. 

I don’t very often let people really "in" my world.  No one knows how I really feel.  I manage to put on a good face and get through each day but I am so very lonely, especially when the kids are away.  I know if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be here today.  They truly are the only thing that gets me up each day.  I find it hard to trust people.  I still am close with my dad but only "superfically" so.  He has always been there for me and helped me in any way that he could but even he doesn’t know how I truly feel, no one does.  I ofetn feel so very alone in the world.


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