How I wish I didn't have feelings. How I wish… I am always fooled by my own emotions. I fall in love too easily, or what I think is, what i need to be, love. And, knowing, inside, without doubt, without hope…I'm forever alone. I'm drawn in like a fool, by any little hope…and always let down. I think sometimes, I am the only woman who's never had anyone "fall in love" with her. I can't tell the story of my life here…but this is what it boils down to… I am alone. I will always be alone. I gave years and years to false love…gone, nothing. I found myself alone, always, alone. Except for this: for two years out of my long life, I did have a love that I cherished…someone who needed me maybe as much as I needed him. I won't say he was "in love" with me, but we were happy to be together every moment, even when we argued, even when i drove him to pure agony because i am a crazy bitch. Well, he died on me…after two short years. he was all I had…all I had to keep me from nothingness. Gone. I swear, i still don't understand it. I lost all the meaning, all the hope, life ever held for me. i'm pretty old now..I'm 55 yrs old. I go out, but i always go alone. When I go out, men look at me. They tell me i am beautiful, gorgeous. But I go home alone. And I am alone. And I will be alone. And I will die alone. well, I just figure this…I am a ghost..I don't think I am even real, even alive. Anyhow, about a year and a half ago, I met someone much younger than myself. And I told myself the truth about it. he was married. I didn't want to see him again, but he, I suppose, fed my ego…and I don't know what his motivation was…maybe he wanted his mommy… I have no idea. But I knew, and I was blind and I was stupid… And I fell into this trap, set up by loneliness, set up by ego, set up by lust, set up by flattery, and all things false. And it led on and on, and I couldn't tear myself away from this craziness. Well, anyhow, today, his wife had their first baby. And I am very happy for this. i did not want to interfere in this man's life. And i don't…. but it just hurts because… because I am alone. Everyone else i know has love, or has family, or some connection to humanity. But me, Ihave nothing…I am trulyan island. And this island should just be washed away in the waves aroundit…. I don't want to exist anymore. You see, there is nothing left for me, except me…and I am just hanging on to nothing, nothing at all…. Icount down the days.. but I don't know how many are left. I'm not afraid of death, but I am afraid of dying. Iwish that I woulddie like my loved one…he died in a moment, suddenly. that was his blessing, I tell you, because Iknew his fears. i don't know what's beyond thislife. to tell the truth, I'm not so sure I care much. I don't tell my doctor this stuff…and I keep on living most of the time like everything is ok. But people get weird when they are alone, alone, alone… there are things you learn to hide, and it becomes a habit to hide the strangeness inside you. I try to findsomething to believe in, but it is getting very difficult. people Ithink just sense something wrong about me. I'm not sure what to do about anything…I just try to get through tomorrow,and then the next day, but every day brings some new obstacle…and I don'tknow how long I can go on, and I don't know how to get out of here. That's all. I just had to unload that. I will go on tomorrow, and the next day, and etc….

  1. Love_Shines 10 years ago

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings ((((hugs))))  I don't think there is much else I can say except I get it, but even that sounds a bit cliche.  Please take care of yourself.

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  2. SaltWaterDrinker 10 years ago

    I also want to thank you for being so candid.  You see very clearly and write with great power.  

    Like Love_Shines, I get what you're saying.  There are people in my life–people I love who love me.  I still feel terribly lonely, however. The product of self-alienation, no doubt.  When you cannot drop down deep into yourself and just be there, you are never properly grounded, never get a chance to send out roots to other people, other hearts.  Even "love" feels lonely.  

    I wish you peace, Cynthia.


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  3. cynthiaz 8 years ago

    Here I am again. But that is the problem… I have dropped down so deeply into myself, I guess, my whole life, that I don't know anything else. I don't see a world, a life…I just see inside. I guess you might call that selfish, but I call it a prison from which I have found no escape.

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