well I write my mood as "fearful" coz i guess im feeling a little fearful at what i think its time I have to do.I guess Ive always been a loner in a way,Im actually really comfortable on my own .When I was a kid,i had friends,a best friend at primary school,cpl best friends at high school,then when Igot older I had friends. but maybe 10 or so years ago I cut myself off from everyone except one person,who is the other half of me weather I like it or not,fate brought us together its weird but we have been together nearly 22 yrs,no he isnt my boyfriend,thats completely no way ,but he is my other half in body and soul so we cruise this thing called life together which is good but there is a lot going on that nearly sent me crazy about that,but ultimately he is a good person .But what Im trying to say is ,apart from him I have had no friends for about 10 years.A person I met made a effort to be friends with me and he is Ok too,and we are good mates but I cant tell him everything about my life,he would be shocked but we have interesting talks and go for great dinners out and have alaugh and he introduced me to a great thing to do which heped me a lot.but what i have sort of decided at this time in my life is ,well,as far as im concerned we cant live life with no friends or people around us.Good ppl I mean not horrible untrustworthy types,good people who make us feel good.I dont want to have to admit that ,and sort of wish I didnt feel like that but I cant lie to myself I do.So-looks like I have to try and get "out there' and find some good people to share my life with.But Im scared becuase its hard to do that .People are everywhere but whos good and whos bad? How do we find the good ones andhow do we get to know them naturally,like you know when we were kids and teenagers,we just met ppl and they just became our friends.it wasnt hard,it happend naturally.But now,heaps of us have left that part of our lived behind,cut ppl off due to our depression,or feeling the ppl werent good for us anymore,or just dropped away,heaps of reasons.And so many of us here on DT say I have no one I need someone to talk to,hug,ring up,etc etc.Like I say,I have 2 ppl who are with me and Im grateful,yes really grateful coz these 2 ppl are good ppl who care about me but the really good thing is "I get them,and they get me" you know,I dont feel uncomfortable with them and I have felt like that about others.So surely i can get that again,but I dont know this time.I look around at people ,at work,in the street,when Im out and I dont want to try and get to know anyone,they all give me bad vibes.But Im sure thats just me and my weirdness ,I cant tar everyone with the same brush.But in reality Im a fantastic friend,I can be trusted,yes,I would never betray anyones trust,and Im a great listener if someone wants to talk.Sometimes I gotta tell myself shut up and let the other person talk,thats so important to just listen,as well as talk.But you cant go up to someone and say"hey wanna be my friend i cna be trusted and you can talk to me about anything",we cant advertsie ourselves that way,society dosnt let us.We got to feel awkward and scared of rejection,we got to work to have friends ,it seems that way.And then,we have to make the effort,if we dont then we dont get to know anyone.So yes,i have to go out and make an effort coz as much as I wish i didnt,I have to admit I want ppl in my life.I want to have good conversations and laugh and be relied upon to be there for someone,and they for me,.Nothing heavy,just to have a laugh and talk about……I dont know STUFF.I got so many things Im interested in,even though the depression tries to rob us of that ,and we get where its all too hard .I just dont want to make all that really hard effort getting to know ppl and they turn out to be bastards.But I guess you have to just try and use your intuition.But some ppl are crafty and can hide there bastardness under a mask.Well,Ive decided Im going to try and create the social part of my life to what I want,but its sure as hell not going to be easy and the loner part of me says ,just stay with what you got,dont risk it.But I probably will risk it,next year Im going to try and be a bit more pleasant to ppl,not that Im not now,but Im going to stick my neck out and ask ppl I like if they want to come out to a movie,or something .The other friend I have made that sort of effort with me,just started talking to me and ask me to movies and dinners,first up I was a bit suss,but in the end I agreed to go out and Im glad I did coz we are good friends now for about 3 yrs .So who knows,see what next year brings,but one things for sure,you dont want to fail for want of trying,with anything in life youhave to give it a go if you want to do it.

Flowermantis

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