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My bipolar disorder is cycling really rapidly.  This happens, sometimes, but I never know it, untilI I’m up to my eyes in it.  I’m sorry if I was overly harsh with anyone, Sunday.  I did feel some of the comments directed at me were unfair, but I probably wouldn’t have had the freak-out that caused my super long crying jag, if I weren’t so unhinged, right now.  To the people who took the brunt of that, I apologize for the severity.  I’m really not a drama queen, and I don’t like being harsh or hard with people.  But, there’s a temper under all this sadness, and it can really flare like a [email protected]#$%$.  I got it from my dad.  Maybe, it’s a Native American thing.  Like my thick brown hair, or acoholism… 

So…  Charlie’s here, now.  God, he is one beautful pain in the ass.  I do go crazy over it, and I don’t think it’s fair, given some of the things he’s put me through, but I think he still loves me, and wants to be with me.  I think I see that in him (and since I’m the one who knows him better than anyone, lives with him, and sleeps beside him, I think my speculations count more than any of the others that have been thrown out here, recently).  I know some people have more wisdom and experience than me, generally speaking, but they don’t know Charlie, and I do.  I know my husband.  He surprises me sometimes, but I know him.  I could be wrong, but I think I see that he still wants to be with me.  I think he doesn’t feel totally right about that, because he feels so hurt, but I really think he wants to stay.  He may not know how to fix things between us, but I believe he wants to.  I feel it from him.  Not all the time…  and, he doesn’t say it…  but, I feel it in the way he talks to me, and the way he stays close.  I feel it when he avoids repeating any hint of us being over (the things he hasn’t said since that first day).  I feel it when he looks at me with adoring eyes, or tells me he loves me (not very often, anymore, but he does say it).  I’m torn up, and broken down, but I’m not dead, yet.  And, as long as I haven’t given in, just yet, I’ll keep hanging on to the one I love.  And, when I feel my position is a little stronger with him, I’ll dig my heels in, and force him to talk to me about us.  But, if I force it too soon, I could lose any ground I may have gained, and end up alienating him (and/or I could wind up hearing something that I really don’t want to hear) .  I am not giving up.  Not yet…  not on me…  Charlie…  or my marriage.  People were just really making feel discouraged, today.  I mentioned to a friend that I had some hope that things might improve, romantically between Charlie and I, because on the fourth day if the kick, a person’s sex drive tends to come roaring back (I’ve seen this happen to Charlie before), and my friend tells me not to be surprised if nothing happens.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at this friend.  He’s a great guy, but I couldn’t help wanting to scream at that point.  I don’t know if that’s when I started crying, or if it was sometime before or after that.  I know it might not happen for us that soon, but I can hope for some stirring of affection, anyway.  I really think I deserve that.

And, as to what someone said I need to regard Quinn less fondly…  I don’t see how it would make any sense for me to judge Quinn for what he did, given what I did.  I’m the one who broke vows.  He was just a troubled guy, who started wanting his best friend.  Of course he shouldn’t have done it.  Neither of us should have done it, but he’d been alone so long, and wanted it so much…  he just got lost in it.  I know he did something stupid, but I’m the one who did the really wrong thing, here.  I am the one who cheated.  It’s not like I don’t see Quinn’s flaws.  Like, the way he’s left me twist in the wind, with all this going on…  that’s crappy.  And, he can get so caught up in his own stuff, somtimes, that he’s just not capable of being thoughtful the way you miht like him to be.  I can’t help missing him, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s keeping his distance, and I’m not chasing him.

It would be so much easier, if Charlie would give me some small gesture…  some little words of hope…  I don’t expect normalcy, but I’m still allowed to have needs, too, no matter what anyone says.

– Kit

1 Comment
  1. x10122007 12 years ago

    I can relate to a lot of what you”ve said here. For starters, I”ve always sort of thought that my Dad has either BD or Cyclothymia. His moods definitely swing back and forth a lot, almost at the drop of a hat, and it”s really hard to keep up with him sometimes. I”m just not sure if his mood changes are so extreme that he”s Bipolar thus my wondering if he has the milder form. Either way, he”d never get diagnosed, he lives in denial so the rest of us have to just try and keep up with him and it”s kinda wrecked our family. It”s hard to be a Daddy”s Girl when daddy is yelling at you for something stupid and then trying to be nice when you”re still hurting. So I can understand you, at least in the sense that I”ve lived around it and at least that”s something, enough to not get too upset if you snap at people because you seem like a genuinely nice person.

    And I can also relate to what you said about your husband, this here: “and since I”m the one who knows him better than anyone, lives with him, and sleeps beside him, I think my speculations count more than any of the others that have been thrown out here, recently” as well as this : “People were just really making feel discouraged, today.”

    I”ve been told, repeatedly, here as well as elsewhere that my boyfriend is a player and a jerk and this and that and what have you but I”ve known him for years and I”ve seen him change, I most definitely have. He finally took the blame for his actions yesterday (Or was that two days ago? Ugh, I hate when time starts bleeding together.) and he feels guilty, real guilt that seems to actually upset him. But he”s still here, he”s not running away in fear, he”s still with me and we”re still helping each other.

    He worries about me like no one else does sometimes. Like with my back and neck problems. It started in my head, at the base of my skull, off to the right ,and it was so painful. My Dad said, “Oh, it”s just stress, I wouldn”t worry about it.” but my boyfriend was genuinely concerned and kept pushing me to see someone. I did and it wasn”t just stress, I”m hurt. It could be that I tore something or it could be a herniated disk…and if I had listened to my Dad rather than my boyfriend, I may have lived with this pain for longer than was necessary and may have even further aggravated the problem just thinking it was a stress related issue. And, on top of that, he”s opened up to me a lot in the past few days. He”s told me some really sensitive, personal issues that no one else on this planet knows about and that only reminds me of how much he really trusts me and depends upon me as not only a lover but his best friend as well.

    So I understand what it feels like to be with someone you love…and to see these good traits, hear the nice words, and see a desire to change…but also have to live with mistakes and flaws and what have you that other people are so set against when you can just feel it in your bones that you”re not done yet, that there”s still hope left. It”s hard to give up when you know someone so well and think they can change for the better, even as people discourage you from doing so and, in my experience anyways, have them sometimes outright attack you for it. That”s actually why I”ve mentioned people getting upset somewhere else here, I”ve been called stupid and have been openly mocked and humiliated over this and it hurts but I”ve come to expect it so I automatically go into defensive mode. It got so bad at one point that there”s one entire website that he and I both avoid because he used to go on it a lot when he was a kid, from about the time he was 13 or so until we started dating. He was really horribly depressed then and people picked on him for it. They called him emo and said that all he did was whine a lot and absolutely tore him apart when he was just a lonely kid looking for friendship. And now that he”s almost 19, he”s changed a lot but if he were to even set foot back there when someone who knew him back then was online, he”d get ripped to shreds whether he”s changed any or not. They even attacked him when he went there to announce that we were dating because he was happy about it. 🙁

    Anyways, sorry to babble. I could have said what I meant in a much shorter comment as the whole point was basically, “I understand what you mean, I”m in the same place” so I hope it doesn”t bug you that I ran off at the mouth…or, uh, er…fingers? XD

    In any case, I wish you a lot of luck with your husband. As long as you feel there”s something there and that you can continue onward with him, I fully support your decision to stay. I know how much work it can take but you seem like a really tough person so I think you”ll pull through one way or the other. 🙂

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