My bipolar disorder is cycling really rapidly. This happens, sometimes, but I never know it, untilI I’m up to my eyes in it. I’m sorry if I was overly harsh with anyone, Sunday. I did feel some of the comments directed at me were unfair, but I probably wouldn’t have had the freak-out that caused my super long crying jag, if I weren’t so unhinged, right now. To the people who took the brunt of that, I apologize for the severity. I’m really not a drama queen, and I don’t like being harsh or hard with people. But, there’s a temper under all this sadness, and it can really flare like a [email protected]#$%$. I got it from my dad. Maybe, it’s a Native American thing. Like my thick brown hair, or acoholism…
So… Charlie’s here, now. God, he is one beautful pain in the ass. I do go crazy over it, and I don’t think it’s fair, given some of the things he’s put me through, but I think he still loves me, and wants to be with me. I think I see that in him (and since I’m the one who knows him better than anyone, lives with him, and sleeps beside him, I think my speculations count more than any of the others that have been thrown out here, recently). I know some people have more wisdom and experience than me, generally speaking, but they don’t know Charlie, and I do. I know my husband. He surprises me sometimes, but I know him. I could be wrong, but I think I see that he still wants to be with me. I think he doesn’t feel totally right about that, because he feels so hurt, but I really think he wants to stay. He may not know how to fix things between us, but I believe he wants to. I feel it from him. Not all the time… and, he doesn’t say it… but, I feel it in the way he talks to me, and the way he stays close. I feel it when he avoids repeating any hint of us being over (the things he hasn’t said since that first day). I feel it when he looks at me with adoring eyes, or tells me he loves me (not very often, anymore, but he does say it). I’m torn up, and broken down, but I’m not dead, yet. And, as long as I haven’t given in, just yet, I’ll keep hanging on to the one I love. And, when I feel my position is a little stronger with him, I’ll dig my heels in, and force him to talk to me about us. But, if I force it too soon, I could lose any ground I may have gained, and end up alienating him (and/or I could wind up hearing something that I really don’t want to hear) . I am not giving up. Not yet… not on me… Charlie… or my marriage. People were just really making feel discouraged, today. I mentioned to a friend that I had some hope that things might improve, romantically between Charlie and I, because on the fourth day if the kick, a person’s sex drive tends to come roaring back (I’ve seen this happen to Charlie before), and my friend tells me not to be surprised if nothing happens. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at this friend. He’s a great guy, but I couldn’t help wanting to scream at that point. I don’t know if that’s when I started crying, or if it was sometime before or after that. I know it might not happen for us that soon, but I can hope for some stirring of affection, anyway. I really think I deserve that.
And, as to what someone said I need to regard Quinn less fondly… I don’t see how it would make any sense for me to judge Quinn for what he did, given what I did. I’m the one who broke vows. He was just a troubled guy, who started wanting his best friend. Of course he shouldn’t have done it. Neither of us should have done it, but he’d been alone so long, and wanted it so much… he just got lost in it. I know he did something stupid, but I’m the one who did the really wrong thing, here. I am the one who cheated. It’s not like I don’t see Quinn’s flaws. Like, the way he’s left me twist in the wind, with all this going on… that’s crappy. And, he can get so caught up in his own stuff, somtimes, that he’s just not capable of being thoughtful the way you miht like him to be. I can’t help missing him, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s keeping his distance, and I’m not chasing him.
It would be so much easier, if Charlie would give me some small gesture… some little words of hope… I don’t expect normalcy, but I’m still allowed to have needs, too, no matter what anyone says.