I’m not going to pretend I had a bad childhood because I know others have it worse than myself. I just had a shitty period of my life that left a wound.
-Catalyst-
My biological Father was an alcoholic and near the end of my parents relationship he started getting physically abusive. My mother’s life was my brother and myself, she was willing to take that abuse because she thought that we would be better off with him in our life.
There are parts of my childhood I’ve blocked out subconsciously and can’t remember. One such memory was the catalyst that started the divorce that I found out as an adult.
One day my mother was in the kitchen where I brought her a Sears catalogue (Big department stores use to mail these out to advertise featured items to buy) I asked her in years “Can we buy another Dad?”. My Mother’s heart broke because she realized she wasn’t protecting us and the bad marriage was affecting us also.
-Choices-
The last visitation my brother and I had with my Father was when he brought us over to one of his friends. She had kids that were our age and in our school, so we played. He was sitting in the backyard talking and drinking with the group until it was time to go home.
He drove home with us despite being very drunk and not fit to drive. At one point he attempted to make us laugh by driving faster going down a hill to make it feel like a roller coaster. Instead he lost control of the vehicle, fish tailing into oncoming traffic and almost got T-boned by another car. He miraculously didn’t hit anything, and the other person asked if he was OK. He knew my father was drunk when my father relied that we were. He then noticed that we were in the back seat, and told him “Your kids are in the back, I should call the fucking cops.” to which my father responded “Go ahead, they’ll be in the police station the entire night.”. The other driver was completely shocked and said “You’re a fucking loser” and drove off.
He called my mother after dropping us off the next day and said that he didn’t want to see us anymore. She sat my brother and I down, telling us that he didn’t want to do visitations anymore. We of course cried and we went out to a restaurant later to try and cheer us up.
As a kid I remembered thinking “Why doesn’t our dad not want to see us? Does he love us?”. As an adult I know it wasn’t that, he was an alcoholic that chose alcohol over family because having your kids on the weekends takes away the time to drink.
Addiction can be a powerful thing, but I’ve forgiven the man he was, however he still lost the option to be a part of my life.
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you.
Hey Link-to-the-past, Have I ever told you how sorry I am for what you went through? Shared sorrows… maybe together we can find a way to let them go?
~♥~
After reading this post I realized that I did not remember these details about your past. But in retrospect it does feel somewhat familiar. We both have been through trauma, alcohol was involved. ( and still is for me ) and we both have lost family members who once were dear to us.
~♥~
I imagine that you remember something about my “Horrid night” and that all of those attackers were drunk too? And, how afterwards I also turned to drinking as a form of escape? I don’t like to recognize or realize that I have limited memories of that night but I know my own are incomplete. Heavy repeated blows to my head certainly did not help… And, parts of me don’t want to remember. But still they remain, hidden in my subconscious. Awww crap, more memories are crawling out….
~♥~
Q – how do you deal with the lingering doubts? The feeling that something is missing? The cold shivers that sometimes visit… Do you have any suggestions that might help me? I really need to find a new therapist (they moved). It really helps to have someone to talk to, thank you.
~♥~
Still I remain hopeful, that with more help I can learn to overcome its lingering effects …. one day, one day somewhere in my future, I will learn to forgive myself. And let go of that terror.
~♥~
Q – where do you turn when you get afraid?
~♥~
But I will never forget those attackers… what they stole from me. No, they do not deserve any room in my head but I still carry around parts of them every day. Do you try to leave behind the lingering parts of your dad?
~♥~
Q – Where do you find the strength to let those dark parts go? Where do you find support when you need it? I really need to find the nerve to stop suppressing… tears
~♥~
Aw crap, and the unwanted memories rear their ugly heads… I wish I could drive them off with some happiness. I have found some joy recently….
~♥~
Life certainly weaves a tangled web doesn’t it?
~♥~
Parts of your experiences and of mine still make me so mad and sad….
~♥~
Q – How do you deal with the doubts?
~♥~
I do not know how I will be able to move on from those days. But they seem to be loosing some of their strangle hold on my emotions and dreams.
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Fortunately, meeting people like you has broadened my perspective… Thanks for being here. – Iris