I think I can remember as a child being anxious, and more sensitized to my emotions and feelings, when it wasn't cool to be. Remember when your dad said, "Boy's Don't Cry".  Well, after that, I held it in, and guess what. It came out in many other different ways.  I would have profound panic attacks during my swimteam competition, and I would dissociate from myself, become dizzy, sweaty, cold palms, and eventually vomit, that's how scared I would get.  This also played itself during doctor's visits, dentist, anywhere that I really didn't want to go or be at.  I even saw a neurologist at age 10, and there was nothing wrong with my brain. I think he tried to refer to to a psychiatrist, but I don't know what happened after that, maybe my parents didn't think I needed it. I just remember "them always saying, "It's just in your head.""Just cope with it." I also stated writing poetry like a madman starting at age 7, then it sped up when I turned 17.  I used to stay indoors most of the time, reading fantasy books, looking at the medical dictionary, etc.  Then, dealing with my sexuality only put more pressure on me, as well as the desire to be "perfect". Hiding these feelings caused me to go through some major depressive episodes, and strangely enough, looking back, I also probably had some hypomanias to go along with them.  It wasn't until I was 36 that I got diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder, and I also had a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety.  I am on so many meds it isn't funny.  I have to be on Valium because my body will metabolize all of the other benzo's so fast they won't have any effect.  I am on some anti-depressants, and also mood stabilizers.  I think I am making it now, but the road gets bumpy. I do have a Bachelors Degree in Social  Sciences(how I managed that is a mystery to me), worked as a social worker in a nursing home for almost 10 years, and just melted down, became more anxious and physically sick, abusing pills, etc.  I became disabled in January 2007, but I have decided to work on obtaining certificates in medical billing and transcription, so I can work at home more often.  I am once again in college, so I am trying to do as much as I can before my disability runs out.  I do have a counselor from the department of rehabilitation helping me, as well as the college pays for my tuition fees, I just have to buy the books myself, ugh! I can't compliain though, I think I am on the right track with my life.  So those are the words I wanted to share with you so you get to know me a little bit better. I hope everyone is doing well and managing their mood disorders as best as they can.

 

2 Comments
  1. lydia 13 years ago

    I felt the same way as a child now that i look back i had anxiety symtoms. I was told that i had asthma in high school even though i was really active. Now i know it was anxiety. I remember being at school and feeling uncomfortable, dizzy and short of breath. I'm glad i know what i have know because i can get the help i need. well good luck with you, take care

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  2. nelson 13 years ago

    I also want to let you know that you are on the right track to a peaceful and fulfilling life that will take you to the next level in your life

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