This is really just a long rant and train of thoughts that’s been building up for so long. Glad I have a space to let it go now.

Let me just start with what triggered a lot of thoughts today. A group of friends/acquaintances met up today and I didn’t even get an invite. There’s 5 of us in a group chat. We’re all in the business field (recent grads, struggling to find jobs) so we share leads on jobs, internships, good advice etc. in there. I’m probably the most active one, always sharing leads with them. It’s not like I’m a ghost member and they forgot I was in the chat. It just sort of hurt to find out they all met up today and nobody even bothered to ask if I would like to be included.

It’s fine though, i’ll get over it. However, being sad over that just led to a lot more thoughts. I started thinking if maybe I’m just not as likable as I think I am. I like to think I am genuine and kind to others. (side track rant, I fear people think i’m fake or pretentious because they’re not used to people being genuine but that’s a whole other thing).  I’ve never had drama with anyone and nobody has ever said anything negative about my personality. Not that I know of. So i just started feeling like maybe everyone has just been fake to me. What if they really do think i’m fake and that I’m just annoying. I’m here thinking I’m on good terms with people but they think nothing of me.

There’s a group of friends that I was included in and it formed about a year ago. Ever since a few months ago I’ve been pretty distant with them. Partially because I just felt out of place but also I started getting these thoughts telling me that they secretly hate me and that they’re talking about me behind my back. So i put all the group chats and anything including them on mute and put them out of sight. Whenever I try to read the messages or chime in, the feeling that I said something wrong rushes into my head. So I stepped away. Secluded myself and just stayed in my bubble by myself. After some time I started to feel better since the thoughts weren’t there and I would start to think that I should make an effort in the friendship again. I open the chats back up and the thoughts come back, it’s a cycle.

Another thing, they noticed I’ve been distant but nobody checked on me. My cousin is in the chat and she mentioned how they jokingly (?) said that i’m too grown for them now so I left. Nobody asked why or checked if I was okay. Sure, they’re not psychic, how would they know I was struggling. I just wanted them to care, just a little. I would’ve reach out if it was them that disappeared. Maybe it’s just all my fault though, because I distanced myself.

Essentially, I just don’t feel like I have friends and it makes me feel really lonely. I’ll be okay though. Just needed to get that out.