Long and tiring night. I'm in a piss poor mood. I feel things pressing in on me more lately. I almost wish I was too dumb to recognise the futility of this little dance. I wish I could give up, but my will is annoyingly stubborn. I keep thinking that all it takes is for me to keep going, keep trying, work hard and good things will eventually come to good people. I wish I could just lie down and bury my head in the sand because I'm a 30 year old with a virtually worthless bachelor's degree, sweating her ovaries off at a lousy retail chain that caters to lazy, cheap Americans. And the particular store doesn't make a difference. They're all the same: Wal*mart, K-mart, Target, Meijer…etc…
I write and I feel guilty over not looking harder for another job. I spend time searching for work and I feel like I'm neglecting my writing. I can't seem to prioritize right now. I just feel like doing NOTHING, and I can't. I can't afford to feel sorry for myself. I haven't got the luxery of blaming the world for my deficiencies. I can't afford to become embittered by my lack of fulfilment again.
My fiance suggested I go into full story-writing mode, in lieu of the hours they're not giving me at X-Mart, but I think he'd tell me to do anything that made me happy–meanwhile, we'll be in the poor house together, and it will be me that drags us there. Maybe he loves me too much to see that I'm not a good enough writer to just write and hope to pay my car payment with it. He says I don't have enough faith in my talent. I say he's reading with rose-tinted bifocals. I never feel like I've done enough to improve. Everything I write feels half-assed and flat, no matter who tells me how impressed they are. I'm not impressed. Isn't that supposed to mean something?
What a disappointing night. I feel so sour inside, and I'm too tired right now to talk myself straight. Tomorrow is another day–blah, blah, blah… I'm loath to admit it, but I'm sure I'll be more sensible in the morning. What choice have I got? Life must go on, right? Who's going to live it for me?
