maybe this’ll stick–i hope, anyway–otherwise, it’ll be another act of futility.  *sigh

The end to the first week of July–JULY!!!!  Where has the time gone, this year????  i feel like time has totally gotten away from me, this year!  It’s almost like i’ve closed my eyes to catch my breath, and POOF! another month has passed!!!!  June….was testy, for several reasons, mainly due to the fact that my partner still has not begun ‘steady employment,’ again….  The bouncing around and (less than $100) paychecks, a couple times per month have really begun to infuriate me.  Plus the fact that he is so determined to spend on food–food for him–He can’t keep a job nor stop adding to the already existing bills, and then, be determined to get loud with me over spending on his energy drinks, bcs and extra foods??!!!  why even try????  As my activity post stated, we went yesterday, and i let go of the last few remaining pieces that were ‘worth’ anything…..  Maybe i’m just a total dumbass–or gullible fucktard–or maybe i should get hit on the head again, to knock some sense back in??  But, at this point, what would it matter?  What good would it do, especially considering how i’d beat myself up even more so, over things that meant sooooooooooo much to me???  i know:  it’s not all his fault.  i’ve chosen to do things as i have–no one forced my hand, nor held me at gunpoint to make any of it happen.  *sigh  But, it still stinks.  Depression, anxiety, ptsd, etc.:  it all SUCKS!  It drains any/all energy, effort and desire completely outta me, and i feel like wtf am i doing??  why even try, anymore?  it doesn’t matter, and ‘they’re’ just going to take what they want, anyway, so why fight it?  you don’t matter.  you’re going to die anyway.  why not speed up the process a lil?                                                                                                               As several of you know, my late-daughter’s birthday just passed, as well–June 26.  That particular day wasn’t totally difficult, horrific, or negative.  But, by the late afternoon, i realized i’d almost lost track of the ‘day,’–even though i’d mentioned it the day prior–which made me feel a bit worse.  *sigh

Now, ‘summertime’ has set in and it feels nasty, here.  Big surprise there…..not.   This is swampy NC summertime weather.  i just am not a huge freak about getting rained on, on top of the EWEY.

i am debating over keeping my appointments, this month.  *sigh  i know i won’t be able to pay (my share) for the three that’re scheduled, so why even keep them?  By not paying, more’s being added to the lengthy bill, already in existence.  And, if i don’t go to therapy, then the psych appt will be cancelled.  Damned if i do and damned if i don’t…..oh well–story of my life– Guess it’s just gonna have to be this way for a bit.


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