I had a day off yesterday, but it wasn't a relaxing one. The night before, I told DH that I was having stomach issues due to stress and anxiety, and he agreed that I needed a day to myself to just relax and get rest.

The problem with that is he always says that just before turning around and asking me to run out for some errand "since you're off" or take care of some kind of business "since you're off". Yesterday was no different. Some friend of his from work got signed up for a $97 a month health "insurance" policy through Anthem B/C B/S and so now I absolutely MUST drive out to this place, a town over and speak to an agent–in person, because a phone call simply won't cut it.

So yesterday, knowing that no further arguing was going to sway DH from his opinion that if something works for some dude he works with, it must be exactly what*I* need to do. So I went and couldn't find the damn place, and I went home. I couldn't find it listed anywhere online, and contacted a couple insurance agents on my own–who both told me I should stick to the insurance I already had, because it wasn't likely to get any cheaper, unless I wanted scant coverage. Even so, in the name of saving 50 bucks a month, I signed up for a fixed benefits plan.

DH wasn't hearing it when he came home. Of course, a fight ensued, over him believing that I was openly blaming him for my not being able to find the stupid place. Big explosion, but it blew over and we both eventually appologized and moved on.

I felt fine for the rest of the night, but this morning I could hardly motivate myself to get out of bed. I just feel low. Not in the deepest throes of depression, but hovering right above it. Like, anything could set me off and have me walking away from everything–fuck my jobs, fuck marriage, fuck going back to school, fuck the world.

I feel so close to giving up. I'm so tired and frustrated and sick of failure that I just want to lie down and quit. The funny thing is, I don't want to die or anything. I just want to hide. Crawl back into bed and just rot there.

Except, I have to work at 2:00. And I will, like always, no matter how dark things get inside my head. I go to work and smile and try really, really hard to keep up with expectations, and still fall short.

I can't stop. I have to keep going and going and going and going and going…until something finally pops inside me and I end up blowing everything in my life. Again.

But the important thing is that I keep going going going. Right? What will everyone I don't care about think if I stop?


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