After the negative experience taking Benadryl to sleep, I won't be doing that again. I feel a little better today overall. My husband is home on his day off, which makes things better in general. I am out of bed, still in my pajamas at 12:15pm. Is it because its a non-work day? I honestly don't know. I power-through on work mornings, telling myself it will be better when I am up and moving. I am beginning week 3 of being back on Prozac 40mg daily. I miss feeling content, even happy. I don't want food, and like right now, its almost a struggle not to go lie back down on the couch. I feel like I am neglecting my family. They deserve better from me, but I just don't feel like giving more right now. I haven't found a therapist yet. I am hesitant because it won't be covered by insurance.
I took .5 mg of Xanax to fall asleep last night. I woke up at around 6, and started worrying, like always. I took another .25mg of Xanax at 7 just to stop my racing thoughts, and fell asleep until 10. I can't do that everyday, I don't want to either. I almost wish I would just cry it all out, and that would make me feel better. But I can't seem to cry. I just want these negative thoughts, or just thoughts in general to stop.
Lord, calm my heart and my mind. I have a wonderful husband who seems to understand that I am not myself, but I am afraid. What if he won't love me enough? Lord, I surrender my heart to you now. You are my Protector, and you WILL see me through this. You are carrying me, despite my pride and helpless attempts at control. Take my burdens from me, and fill me with Your boundless grace and mercy. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen