Hello to whoever has stumbled across my anxiety-riddled ramblings. This is the first blog I have created and I’m hoping it will help settle my nerves and hopefully help me connect with like-minded people.
I have suffered from Anxiety since 2015. Somedays its not too difficult to deal with, then I have my days where I don’t know how I’m going to make it through. I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Health Anxiety Disorder and Depression.
When I was 16, my father was first diagnosed with oral cancer. He had never smoked a cigarette in his life. That terrified me. How can life be so cruel? He played by the rules, he was healthy, he didn’t smoke, he was active and healthy. Yet he still was given that life-changing diagnosis. Since then, over the last 12 years, he has been re-diagnosed with cancer 5 times, most recently lung cancer. But it was April 2015 that changed everything. After being diagnosed with tongue cancer again, he was told he needed to make a choice – have an operation to remove his tongue, vocal cords, voice box and a stoma placed in his throat to breathe through or let cancer win. Thankfully, he chose the operation. The recovery took years, he’s still recovering now. His life has been dramatically altered and he’s lost his speech, his sense of taste, smell and the ability to chew properly, but he’s here. He is now cancer-free and plodding along (he’s a trooper!).
Once I’d overcome the devastation and fear of losing him – my health anxiety struck!
I frantically google every little symptom I get;
A headache – Brain Tumour
Muscle Twitching – MS
Stomach ache – Stomach cancer
Pelvic pain or discomfort – Cervical cancer
The list goes on…
As a rational person I can admit, these are everyday things that almost every person feels but never amount to anything. But when my health anxiety comes knocking again, all rationality goes out the window! How can I not switch it off? Why does it happen to me? The more I worry the worse my anxiety is, the worse the physical symptoms are.
It is commonly known that anxiety triggers a wide array of physical symptoms. How ironic. I’m worrying I have a brain tumour then my anxiety kicks in and I have an almighty headache from anxiety and boom…Dr Google strikes again!
‘But It CAN’T just be anxiety. It HAS to be something sinister.’ I know I’m not the only one who thinks this daily. As I’m writing this, I am calm. I am relaxed and my rational side has his little hat on.
As of late, the world seems to have gone to shit. The new virus sweeping the world has had me at the end of my wits with anxiety. I am in a constant state of panic and upset. I am crying daily (sometimes 5-6 times a day), the smallest things set me off and I’m gone for the day then.
Although having anxiety to this degree is no picnic…I consider myself very lucky. My Fiancé.
He gets it, he just gets it. He massages me every night, he lights the candles, puts on the relaxing music and soothes me. He runs me bubble baths when I start getting a bit worked up. He listens to me vent…daily! He lets me ride out the anxiety attack and sits there, waiting until I need him and comforts me completely. This struggle would be very different without him.
It doesn’t go away completely, however. It just momentarily subsides and the cycle starts all over the next day.
I am so afraid of death that I’m not living.
How sad is that?
I needed a coping mechanism, an outlet. Then I did a little research on blogs. Why not try it? What do I have to lose?
So here it is, my blog that will hopefully help me to cope and to overcome my struggle with anxiety. If anyone else is reading and suffering these same feelings then hopefully, you will see you aren’t alone <3
