I remember the spirit that took over my life at the peak of my addiction to cocaine. I called it my dark Angel. In my mind, I considered this Angel to be female. Maybe that was just because I'm a man. But the voice I heard was definitely female.
I remember how at first, the whole thing was just an experiment that I felt I had total control of. However, very quickly, my dark Angel took over every aspect of my life. My every waking moment and every thought involve what I was going to do next to feed my dark Angel.
Very quickly, she threw away all my morals and began to change my entire personality. I begin to do things I never would have dreamed of doing such as lie, cheat, and steal.
In my normal mind. I would never have dreamed of doing anything that was against the laws of God or man. I had become completely under her control.
At first I was just a working addict, but still in control of everyday life. I was able to pay my bills, and appear like a normal member of society.
My dark Angel was having no part of that. She wanted every dollar I had to go for the purchase of more cocaine. She said: what do you need those cars for? why do you need all these stereos, televisions and computers. Why do you have two cars and a tractor-trailer. Why do you live in this nice house. You are wasting your money on all these nice things when you could be spending it on more cocaine.
Very quickly, my dark Angel had me to cash in all my material possessions. For more cocaine. When all that was gone. She turned me into a complete psychotic social path. Willing to do anything for another hit.
I quickly learned that you could manipulate people even more addicted than I was. So when I wasn't hustling women, who were willing to prostitute themselves to get high or driving shoplifters to the mall, I would burglarize small businesses. I got so good at it I begin to think I was invincible.
Now when I think back on it all. I remember telling the detective that finally caught up to me after 10 years that he wasn't just arresting me. He was rescuing me from my dark Angel.
I know had it gone on any longer she would have graduated me to a much higher level of evil. I had already started robbing drug dealers at gun point. It would have been just a matter of time before I had killed someone.
I have now been clean and sober for over 20 years. I know, just one hit, would put me right back where I was with my dark Angel running everything.
The thing I regret the most about having been addicted to cocaine, is all the different lives. I've helped to destroy, including my own. I know my dark Angel is still there. All I need to do is look back at the path of distraction I created to keep my dark Angel in check. I never want to be that person again, allowing something outside myself to be in control of my spirit.
Posted on 03/25/08, 11:03 am