On March 18th, 1985, twenty-five years today, my first partner and love Raymond Clark passed away . He was only 31 years old and was one of the first of many who were taken in what I call the First Wave. Three days before he passed he asked me to light a candle for him on his birthday and the date of his passing…In the following months of grief, I cut myself, burned myself and drugged a hole right trough my intestinal lining in an effort to escape the pain of his loss.  When I awoke in the hospital, they had put me on "the aids floor" , something they did back then when a gay male was sick and they couldn't pinpoint the illness…Back then they didn't know how HIV was spread…Two weeks later upon discharge, a nusre had told me that they had not expected me to leave the hospital alive and that I was their "miracle boy." Well  I certaily didn't see any miracle. I felt like I had missed my damned flight out and had been left stranded here! I honestly believe that I was certifiably "mental" for at lest another year or two, even after I tested positive myself….I could not make any sense as to why a such a wonderful and loving person like Ray would be taken and an unhappy person like myself would be spared…I still wonder the "whys" to this day… I have not always lit a candle for Ray as I promised, but I will today because for some reason,  today as I went outside and saw all the spring bulbs I've planted starting to bloom, it really brought Ray back close again after all these years…I've kept 2 pictures of him on my desk constantly for these 25 years, and wanted to share what a beautiful man he was….He was of German/ Irish decent, with green eyes and flame hair that would never behave because of the curl in it.  He had an insane giggle that was totally infectious and that his parrot used to mimic to our great ammusement… I won't saint the man because he wasn't a saint. His body was weakend by the party drugs that were, and still are, so prevalant…But he left me wtih something that I forgot for at least 15 years….the ability to love another human wih all my heartand with no reservations…It was a lesson that I was so late in learning, but I suppose better late than never! Not long after he passed he came to me in  a series of dreams or hallucinations that seemed utterly real at the time. In them he repeated my name in the most loving way…He departed with these words that I've pondered again and again over the years….they were simply :  "Fight  futility" which he also repeated several times.  I have not felt him as a lingering ghost for decades now and I believe he has truly moved on to the next life. The hard-edge pain is gone but there will always be a bitter-sweet pang I feel when I think of him.  Ray, you're in our hearts forever, until we meet again. Blessed Be! Love IS forever.