Sometimes I wonder: should I have told you about what happened to me? At times, it feels like me telling you my secret impacted our relationship in a negative way. It seems as though maybe it changed the dynamic of our relationship. I was frightened to tell you, because I didn’t want to disappoint you. I didn’t want you to think of me in a different way. I mean, of course, I wanted to get the pain out and get the secret off my chest, but I didn’t want to make you feel upset.
I thought you would be upset or disappointed, because I felt angry with myself. I thought that it was my fault and I thought that you would think it was my fault as well. I felt so ashamed and pained, as well as embarrassed. There was a part of me that wanted to hold on to that pain forever, keep it inside, never tell anyone. But I felt that it would be best if I told someone, and I trust you, so I told you because the pain was so bad and I couldn’t keep it bottled up for much longer. I woke up each day and felt like nobody cared, like I just should disappear. So I had to tell someone.. had to just get it off my chest in some way.
But now, sometimes it seems as though you think I am too fragile, or like you feel that I am different in some way. I hope you don’t look at me in a different way or have a different opinion of me, because something so bad happened. You are supportive of me, you really are, but sometimes I feel that it is hard to talk to me now. I am still your daughter and hope that you still see me as fondly as you did before.
Perhaps it is hard for you. Hard for you to come to terms that something so horrible happened to your daughter. Perhaps it hit home for you, made you feel devastated because you would never ever want your child to go through that sort of pain. That is understandable. I just hope that me telling you that secret didn’t change the way you think of me.