I have social anxiety. There I said it. I had it for years and it is not any close to going away. I do have friends, not many but a few but none of them very close. The few close friends I had drifted away over the years. I have never felt like I could share any of my problems with someone because I always had this sort of feeling that everyone will use that against me so better not to tell anyone right?

If I was just anxious inside and projected a confident front, I could have tolerated it to a degree but I can’t do it. I am the type of person who gets nervous before things like public speaking or a presentation. When I mean anxious I mean really anxious. The voice cracking, shivering mess that I become and I am so ashamed of that because I care a lot about what people I do not care about think of me and whatever I do it does not change. It doesn’t even help that my actual voice is kinda shivery because of some nasal problem caused by by allergies. But when I am nervous it becomes worse. Sometimes I worry about how I sound to other people that I end up sounding way worse than I already does and its embarrassing. I thought at some point I have to get used to it but no that day is not anywhere near the future. If I have a humiliating experience once, then I remember it till my next humiliating experience and its a never ending cycle.

All I can think about when I talk to most people(that is everyone not included in my close circle of friends but even sometimes them) is some experience that makes me have an inferior complex. Sometimes, I know that it is the ridiculous things I make up inside my head but no matter what I say to myself, my feelings don’t just go away.

Sometimes, I feel really sad because I feel lonely and then I think that everyone around me hates me because of some stupid reason like the fact that I am ugly, or weird or anything and I am projecting a negative energy that I know will eventually push everyone away. I know this but I am unable to stop it. I also always think that people are making fun of me whenever they hear me which I know can’t be true more times than not but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Also all these issues make me waste my life away by doing unproductive things which crossed on addiction like binge watching stuff for no reason without even a care in the world whether I fail my classes or not, reading fantasy novels which takes my mind away on real life issues, way too much porn and lot of games. I used to be considered smart. That was the one thing going for me. People used to say even if I was awkward as fuck, atleast I got good grades. But I wasted my life away so much that I ruined that for me. Half the time I am worried about how I am ruining my future and the other times I just don’t care.

It doesn’t help that I have got parents who I can’t even relate to. Two super religious parents when I have never wanted to do anything with it. It was not even some teenage rebellion phase, I had felt like that since I was a kid. It never helped that I have gotten anything good from there. I was the one lonely loser without a single friend there and if it was just sunday, it was okay. We also had prayer meetings on saturday and any available fucking public holiday where after the prayers I would stand alone in a corner or behind my mother where I was told no whenever I asked her when we would go home. Most of the kids were polite enough to ignore me altogether or talk to me only when necessary but some bitches were nasty about making snide comments about me in front of my face. My belief in Jesus doesn’t really help when annually a special pastor comes to visit the church and everyone breaks into bursts of holy spirits calling, talking in tongues and falling down the ground, I was one of the few to stand there without experiencing a thing and mentally rolling my eyes.

I also doesn’t help that my parents and I don’t exactly have the nicest relationship. they don’t approve on my beliefs of religion or any other thing in the bible that I don’t agree with. I mean,they do love me because I am their child but not because they actually like me. If I ever go to them with a problem, they say its my fault because I don’t pray or that I disobey God and I personally thing its a cruel thing to say. It also gave me issues in expressing my feelings to other people(exception is me rambling on this page because I am anonymous). When they have problems I don’t tell them what they tell me!

Also I wish I had a fucking good immunity because all these times online being so addicted to everything the internet has to offer gave me a fucking disc problem.

Right now I am feeling kinda guilty because there are people suffering from way worse stuff so all this kind of seems insignificant.

I just wish I had an off switch  which could erase all my problems and an on switch which could turn me into some beautiful, smart,confident, non-anxious person with people around me who I could actually relate to.

Goodbye blog,

Yours truly,

thatweirdo