I spent the morning teaching my husband how to do laundry, helping him build an airconditioner support for the camper, giving him last minute tips on keeping the kids happy and healthy, calling several different people in preparation for my new job and fielding about 5 phone calls also related to that new job. I finally have everything ready for the new job and it looks like I start work at 5am on Monday. Yikes!!
I wish I could make myself feel better. I even took a nap today trying to help myself feel better. It didnt really have much effect. I am very unsure what to pack. I have very limited space but I also dont really know how to pack for me.
To be honest I have never lived alone. Not out of fear……it just never worked out. I always wanted to. I adore my children though and I know that I will miss them terribly. They will grow and change so much while I am gone and I will miss that. I have already missed so much of their lives already. Once it is gone you can never get it back. As much as I am trying to see this as a good thing……time for me to focus on me, let my husband learn to be a parent, help us in our time of financial crisis, have the time to lose weight and think about me and heal……etc…. This missing a chunk of my kids life is going to be very very very hard on me. They are only little such a short time and I have barely gotten to be there. Very soon they wont really be little at all (most days they really arent anymore). I just hope my husband enjoys every minute of it because it is so precious.
In a weird way I feel so very safe though. The people that hurt me cant get to me at all. Even if those people were to visit I would find a way to "be at work" or be somewhere else. I wont have to see one person who hurts or has hurt me the entire summer. That is the most freeing feeling I have ever had. I wont know a soul there and I wont be there for long….just the summer. Idk, something about that really really really makes me feel safe. I think thats the safest feeling/thought I have ever had.
I think its because I've learned that I can only truly trust and rely on myself. I know my former therapist thought that was very sad and lonely……idk about that. Its all I've known. I honestly cant really comprehend feeling a different way. LoL Often I wonder if everyone doesnt feel this way and just doesnt know? I dont know the feeling of being able to let know and know that someone would take care of you. I know for sure that if I let go like that…..I would die. LoL Nobody would ever come for me, or save me. Sadly that has been proven a few times lol. So……I wont have to be responsible for several other lives. That has NEVER happened to me before. I have always always always been responsible for other people. I wonder what that will feel like? I will still be connected to my kids and will still help them etc… but its very different being too far away to tell if something is wrong or actually fixing it.
I wonder what that will feel like…..