I struggle with weather I should put a period, a few dots or just leave the end of the sentence blank in the blog title. I try to satisfy my own obsessiveness about it, but the more I think about it the more insane I think myself to be.

Rock what you got. Who would have ever though I'd download a christian/inspirational song onto my ipod. But its actually very good. I'm not a christian. I'm not an atheist. I'm just a struggling believer–but not it God.

I've stopped coming here for some time. Depression has been taking over recently. I'd feel numb, then I'd feel 'eh' and then maybe okay for awhile. I'd find things that I could feel my time with. But then they'd all feel like chores.

I'm tired of wasting my life. The intense fear my anxiety created in the past is something I have immense respect for, I would never begrudge anybody their torment from it; but at the same time, part of me doesn't want to hear about it anymore. I don't think too highly of myself, but I am trying to put myself out there in the real world. It shouldn't come as any suprise that I received the same kind of support as I do sitting here typing away to complete strangers. I feel more understood here. Except in the chat, people are on different dream planes in there. I've been on several of them myself.

When I plan out of my day and fill it with stuff I want or need to get down, I get frustrated with my lack of enthusiam. Not because of not being able to have fun….but because I need to feel like everything I do has some purpose. I constantly feel like I'm putting on an act, like we are all pretending that we are okay if we watch tv, always answer How are you? with I'm fine, put on our headphones and block the world out, talk about her feelings or write about them, read to distraction, or watch movies so we enjoy them. My point, I'm not really sure. Just that I feel like everyday things I do feel rehearsed and I'm tired of acting okay with it all.

 

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