College Fears

I have no idea what to do…

 

I am started online college on Monday, and I am getting driven up the roof with worries. My social anxiety is screaming at me for the thought about meeting new people. My classes are all online this semester, but I still fear showing my face to the class in the first video call. I was bullied a lot in primary and secondary school, and I am sure this will continue as I enter college. If it did not go away in high school, why would it go away now? If anything, I would say the constant mockery and humiliation only got worse as the years continued to slip by. I only made it out of high school by keeping low and ignoring all the harsh comments people kept saying about my appearance. I acted as though nothing that they said effected me, but deep down, it really did. I could not go a night without hearing their voices repeat inside my head, making me feel like absolute garbage in the morning.

I got no doubts that it is going to change now.

The classes would be online, but a voice inside me is telling me that they will go and spread hate words against my looks behind the screen to their friends. I know this is going to happen because it did inside high school. People would know who I was and laugh at me as I walked about the streets without me knowing who they were. I knew for a fact people talked about how ugly and weird I was to each other out of school or when I was not in the room. And, when they saw me outside of school, people acted as though I was big foot, or an alien, pointing and laughing at me as I walked by. My social anxiety only got worse then, and I worry that it will continue to grow as more fuel is added to the fire of my self-hate and low self-esteem.

Does anyone have any advice to help me feel better? I am not sure how much more I can handle. I already thought about ending it all, and I have visited therapist before. But, my social anxiety is so bad that I can not tell them anything and I always just back out of therapy for the fact that I am too scared in any social situations.

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