My family was so angry when I got back. They accused me of many awful things but told me that I was lying about being suicidal. To them I was embarrassing for even admitting I had been depressed. It made them look bad and I got punished for it.
I spent the rest of that year at home being homeschooled. I hated it and it was hard. Being homeschooled I couldn’t escape my problems at all. I couldn’t escape my father, who had shown his true colors and I couldn’t escape my mother who asked for a perfect daughter.
Ninth grade came and due to my family fighting I left my home for the first time. My dad yanked me away, several states from my home and put me with family that I’d never met before in a place I had never been before. It brought back some of my depression.
It wasn’t all bad though. There I met my cousin who was one hundred percent gay. I had never met anyone of the LGBT community face to face until then and her pride surprised me. One of the first things she told me was she liked girls and it just shocked me that she would even do that.
That year she completely changed my perspective on the world. Instead of only seeing the black and white I was told to see I finally started to see gray. I grew to accept that I liked girls in a way that was different but that was okay. I even realized I liked guys after I dated one without all the pressure my family at home had pinned on me.
I didn’t truly acknowledge that I liked girls until I met S.R.. We were friends and we kept getting closer and closer and I finally couldn’t deny who I was anymore. I knew what it felt like to have a crush and I owned it and I owned me. It was a great moment for me in a way.
That year ended and I finally went to my hometown and back to my mother. It was only joyous for a moment. Most would think I was upset because my parents were divorcing but that wasn’t even close to what tore me apart.
I came home proud and out….And everyone was disgusted. My family called me things that to this day that I can’t manage to forget. I grew ashamed of who I was and I did the only thing I could do… I pretended it was a rebellion phase and that I was straight as could be. I even lied to myself again about who I was. But in reality I knew it was no phase.