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I spent the next two years dating as many guys as I could. In reality I did it as a way to prove to my mom that I was straight. I hated it though. I didn’t like most of the guys I dated at the time and eventually left them when I couldn’t stand faking it anymore.

Senior year is when I realized I wasn’t bisexual though. I met a transgender ftm for the first time and it honestly didn’t bother me. Heck I even found them slightly attractive! So I did some research and found the term ‘pansexual.’ It hit me that this was what best described me. Honestly I could care less about someone’s gender or sexual identity.

Than, the summer after I graduated, I realized something else. I was at the beach and there was this group of boys all shirtless. It took me a bit to realize what was going on in my mind because I felt very negative towards them and I couldn’t figure out why.

I thought on it more and I realized I was jealous. They were shirtless and I wanted that. Things started to click as I thought more on it. I never liked having breasts. I felt uncomfortable with the idea of me ever being pregnant, it felt like the wrong role for me. I hated my hair long and hated putting makeup on. Dresses made me uncomfortable and self conscious no matter how good everyone said I looked. I hated having to shave my legs or sit with them closed as tightly as possible. Even mentally with my behavior I was more man.

I always thought god made a mistake when he made me a girl. From a young age that thought had even been in my head. I just never knew what it meant. For a while I tried to figure out if I was transgender. Then I came across the term ‘demiguy.’ It means something along the lines of to be mainly masculine but also more than one gender.

In a sense part of me mentally will always be feminine. The only part of my body I desperately hate is my chest. That’s the only thing I’ll ever even consider changing. Other than that I can live with the fact that physically I’m in the wrong body. I’m at peace with that fact.

As of today I still haven’t attempted to publicly be the pansexual  demiguy that I am. I’m gonna start small and hopefully I’ll get the courage to come out to my family and not look like the girl I’m pretending to be. I know who I am. One day everyone will too.

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