I think at some point in his life, your dad learnt that in order to avoid pain or to feel appreciated/ validated he shouldn’t be that part of himself that he is seeing in you, so actually he might think he is doing you a favor for ‘fixing’ that part of yourself so you won’t suffer the way he did. It’s his way of taking care of you, even if it’s a painful and abusive one. It is also probably a big scream for love and a message ‘I need to be accepted with all my vulnerabilities that I cannot forgive myself of’. This might be a superficial explanation, but it’s the way I see it based on what you wrote. Though it’s good to understand the reasons behind his behavior, it’s not an excuse for him to continue acting like that and not acknowledging the consequences it has on you. I learnt lately that usually the people who are abused are the ones who take responsibility for the emotional turmoil the abuse provokes and feel guilty when they can’t be compassionate anymore. Now, I think you should allow yourself to feel all those feelings you have in relation to him and not minimize the impact his behavior had on you. Also, not feel bad about the feelings you experience (you may be ashamed of thinking of your dad in a bad way, while trying to have a caring view at the same time). I think there is no coincidence that we are feeling in some ways at some point in our lives, our brain is an accumulation of information that could be triggered at any point. It might help to try and see him from afar for a while, to study his behavior (when is he taking it out on you, what might trigger him etc and explore the most appropriate response you can find). It’s usually better to have a discussion when things are cool down than in the heat of the moment, as that might escalate the misunderstanding and each one only tries to defend themselves and not really communicate in an honest way. Even if it’s your father, if discussing the issue and fixing it together won’t work, maybe detaching and perceiving him from an observer’s perspective and loving him from afar would be a good idea, as otherwise you risk letting yourself drawn by other abusive people and perpetuate some sort of toxicity as you have the necessary resilience to tolerate such behaviors. It’s what I am trying to do right now, as I lost trust in many people this year and I’m close to a depressive episode. I saw a profound tv series on Netflix a while ago – Good Doctor, which helped me understand a lot about people’s motivations. I hope this is of help for you.