So maybe some of you know. Maybe not. Whatever. But I have sort of had this boyfriend for a while now. Three years in fact… We 'officially' broke up a while ago but continued to talk and see each other. One of the reasons why we sort of broke up was because he was moving and my mother didn't want us dating. But we had always promised that we would go back to each other in the end.

Recently… I just… I don't know. We don't talk. We don't see each other. And I just… I don't know if I can do it anymore. My friend knows I have this crush on a girl (what she doesn't know is that it is in fact her… shhh…) and she was asking me all these questions. And I just recently told her about the whole boyfriend situation and suddenly the conversation got so serious and now I am on the verge of tears and I hate this feeling. I feel like one of the reasons this has gone on for so long is because I'm a huge people pleaser for one. And for two, I know it will hurt him. I know it will hurt him so bad. But my feelings are valid too? Right? And I just don't know if this relationship is what I need. If this relationship is what I want. I want to hold someone in my arms. I want to do dorky romantic dates and I want to SEE them. A part of me KNOWS, just KNOWS, I will feel so much better if I end things. That it's going to hurt like HELL at the beginning. But it will get better. That I will heal and will love again. But sitting here and just taking everything and suffering, is not helping.

Why do I have to care so much? Why is it so easy for me to feel empathy towards other people? Why can't I be selfish sometimes? Just once in a while. Just for me…