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I'm alone, I'm drunk and I am a special kind of 'full of life'.

Alcohol, despite all of its depressant nature, drops inhibihitions. That allows people to reveal a lot of who they really are, if they want to.

I am a loner. I will most likely die alone. But I do, many times, want to be with people.

My roommate, whom I've complained about before, is the ONE person I've been able to hug when my cat died. She made my 50th birthday become a party when it was a becoming a hurtful reminder of a life not lived well. She is also the person that has her own problems and has caused me so much anxiety and hurt.

Tonight, she is camping out with her daughter. So, I get to feel what I need to feel as a man, alone.

Economically, I should do that which is most efficient… for me, that would be to throw myself into my intellectual self, and forget all about the social self. Turn the page and get on to what I was meant to do. I raised two kids, did my 'public service' at my job for 31 years… now it's time to do the brain thing.

how how how how how how do I balance things??? In one year I will have no job, a small pension, and a world I don't fit in to.

Right now, I see a year from now as a larger 'tonight'; wanting to be someone else, but stuck in my reality of isolation.

a year of therapy has built a facade that seems to be cracking at its seams this evening. As the moon rises, I long for my old cat to hop up on my chair and purr next to my side.

I know this will pass, but this is reality for me at this moment, and I guess is proof that I belong on this site.

Peace

1 Comment
  1. flowermantis 7 years ago

    Hi Hans. I'm so sorry to hear about your cat, I dearly live cats and feel your pain as my cat died as well and I miss her so so much. I'm a public servant too, and also a loner. I can relate a lot to what you say, my friend who lives with me also has been the closest person I've ever had but has also caused me soul shattering hurt and anxiety , but is a person with big problems and loves me, I know this , and it's a lot better than being alone in the house with my haunted thoughts. I guess I haven't much to say that will help but just wanted to let u know I resonated with your words. All the very best to you.

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