I quit DT for fear of a new boyfriend spying on me. He had found his wife's blogs after they were divorced and he likes digging for into. I KNOW I don't want to be with him forever, so I am here, all me, faults, honest thoughts. He told me that thinking you are depressed, leads to more depressive kinds of behavior. Of course if I thought of myself as being "ill" all day long, I suppose, and maybe at another time, I wouldn't feel depressed and not participate as much.

I know I don't want to be with him the rest of my life, and I tried breaking up with him twice and we have only dated about 3-4 months. I don't know how much I want to talk about him now. He encourages me to do things by badgering me. I have lost 30lbs, which is a lot for me. I have done all sorts of paperwork and my finances are much better, but he is downright MEAN often and I don't feel HAPPY being around him……there is something wrong there.

What put everything into high gear was the evaluation I got at work yesterday. I was found to be "meets expectations-low" on everything. I feel like the lowest of low on the earth. I want to do NOTHING. I no longer feel ready to look for a fulltime job so I can support myself. I can't think of a single thing I can do around the house that would make me feel good. I have no local friends except my "boyfriend", so I could be friendless, even my old boyfriend of 8 years didn't return my call last week.

I sound pitiful…..I wouldn't like me, if I were reading this and it was someone else. HORMONES are part of this. For menopause I take hormones to help with my mood, but the ratio of the hormones changes different days and for several days I take nothing…..really hits me bad….feel suicidal and at least like hurting myself. I am drinking a beer, with I had more than 1 other in the fridge. I rarely drink because it makes me depressed. Even the depressed people I know, most have supportive loving relationships. I don't know when I will be able to face online dating again. It was very depressing and phoney. Of course first I have to have the courage to break up. I think I will just over time see less and less of him. I don't feel like seeing him at all right now. I am scared of him though.

Blogging didn't make me feel better this time……I am miserable…..the job evaluation is it more than anything. If I had a great boyfriend then it wouldn't matter so much…..strange huh.

To everyone suffering right now, know that it gets better sometimes. I am just really down today, and may be in for a rough road for a while, but I will never be happy with a mean man.