I quit DT for fear of a new boyfriend spying on me. He had found his wife's blogs after they were divorced and he likes digging for into. I KNOW I don't want to be with him forever, so I am here, all me, faults, honest thoughts. He told me that thinking you are depressed, leads to more depressive kinds of behavior. Of course if I thought of myself as being "ill" all day long, I suppose, and maybe at another time, I wouldn't feel depressed and not participate as much.

I know I don't want to be with him the rest of my life, and I tried breaking up with him twice and we have only dated about 3-4 months. I don't know how much I want to talk about him now. He encourages me to do things by badgering me. I have lost 30lbs, which is a lot for me. I have done all sorts of paperwork and my finances are much better, but he is downright MEAN often and I don't feel HAPPY being around him……there is something wrong there.

What put everything into high gear was the evaluation I got at work yesterday. I was found to be "meets expectations-low" on everything. I feel like the lowest of low on the earth. I want to do NOTHING. I no longer feel ready to look for a fulltime job so I can support myself. I can't think of a single thing I can do around the house that would make me feel good. I have no local friends except my "boyfriend", so I could be friendless, even my old boyfriend of 8 years didn't return my call last week.

I sound pitiful…..I wouldn't like me, if I were reading this and it was someone else. HORMONES are part of this. For menopause I take hormones to help with my mood, but the ratio of the hormones changes different days and for several days I take nothing…..really hits me bad….feel suicidal and at least like hurting myself. I am drinking a beer, with I had more than 1 other in the fridge. I rarely drink because it makes me depressed. Even the depressed people I know, most have supportive loving relationships. I don't know when I will be able to face online dating again. It was very depressing and phoney. Of course first I have to have the courage to break up. I think I will just over time see less and less of him. I don't feel like seeing him at all right now. I am scared of him though.

Blogging didn't make me feel better this time……I am miserable…..the job evaluation is it more than anything. If I had a great boyfriend then it wouldn't matter so much…..strange huh.

To everyone suffering right now, know that it gets better sometimes. I am just really down today, and may be in for a rough road for a while, but I will never be happy with a mean man.

1 Comment
  1. elf 6 years ago

    Hey Heather! Glad I looked back at your blogs to see who you are. I was off of DT for about a year. I am back for now. Haven't been doing so well myself. Yesterday was horrid. I just slept and thought of dying.

    I have seen in a later blog that you did break up with the guy. Good for you. You do not deserve a mean boyfriend. No one does. It is better to be alone that to have someone who is mean.

    Sorry about the job review. I hope you can work with your supervisor to learn what to do differently and to improve. But not all supervisors are that understanding. Especially when dealing with depression. They seem to have little patience. But don't give up.

    Elf

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