Everytime i write a blog i am always whining about something. I dont realize i am but thats all i do. Today was just a horrible day i went to see my physicatrist and basically told me that i am the one making myself this way an i like being miserable. I was so hurt by that i couldnt stop crying for hours if i was making myself this way i would do anything i can to get out of it for me and my son. I told him i was trying to start doing some new things he told you dont get points for trying. I was speechless and im never speechless. I felt so alone after that… no one really believes me not even my own dr. i felt horrible i sat there on my bed crying with pill bottle in my hand i was going to take all of them and just sleep away my life. (crying) but my son came in and for some reason he said i love you mom …. he 8 and i know god sent him to me to keep me here. im so lost and alone the harder i try to make things better everything gets worse. i am trying to be strong for my son but after awhile i cant do it anymore. i hurt so much i try ing to figure out who i am and its killing me cause i dont know. I have been sitting here all night thinking that its my fault im depressed its my fault im worried all the time and get a panice attack. i have been trying to do things like take walks and go out of the house more no more laying in bed. I cant stop thinking about what he said i am not making myself this way. for lent i gave up being negative so i am trying to find the positive in this situation the only thing i can think of is its not my fault … does anyone understand … why do people assume its our fault we are like this.