I just needed a place to talk, someone hears me, no one hears me, it is ok. As long as I think someone hears me will do. Played computer game excessively again yesterday. Simple game, just do not have the will power to stop even though it is not difficult. I guess there are fears. I am afraid that I am so bad a person that I just want to avoid. I am genuinely afraid of myself even people tried to convince me it is not so. I dare not say anymore as I felt as if I am asking for assurance. I just wanted people to tell me constantly that I am ok, good person. Instead of trusting and behaving normally. I constantly need assurance and cannot take criticism. People have to walk on egg shells around me and I hated myself for that. I felt that I am a real burden but I could not control myself for thinking that I have done bad and harm others.

I know I have to learn to trust, allow others space to tolerate me. Generally I still find people kind, they try to be nice, but I believe that one day their patience will run out yet… I am testing their limits and patience. I dislike myself as I felt that I am attention seeking..

I felt that I am a great pretense, I am try to look as if I am ok because I am afraid that they cannot cope with me, I do not know when I will break down, then I have to clean up again. But I think it is ok. I am thinking I want to learn to talk instead of using computer games to escape. Thanks for giving me this space to talk..

 

 

 

4 Comments
  1. katerinakoski78 5 years ago

    I hear ya! Sounds to me that other Peoples reassurance will do the trick. You have to assure yourself! Learn to love yourself. Trust me, I know how hard that is. Accept yourself. Being a good person doesn’t mean being perfect and issues free. Have you always behaved this way and felt upset about it? I have no idea if you have any other problems, issues, diagnosis….good you found this way to let it all out.

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      waterlovesdratini 5 years ago

      Thanks for the interest and concern. Yes, the deeper issue is: I believed that I am a burden on this earth and I feared that I have no permission to be on this surface of the earth. When others do not accept me, I felt that I am obliged to remove myself but yet a large part of me wanted to live and enjoyed life. I am reluctant to remove myself yet I felt it is wrong, I have no right to make things difficult for others. What makes my life more valuable than others, what gives me permission to make others miserable? I do not have the right, so if others rejected me due to something I did or didn’t, I am forced to confront this issue again or I have to escape. Pretend that I did not know, did not see, pretend that it is not there. But avoidance takes huge energy… and makes my life more miserable. And the endless cycle starts.

      What I felt helped recently is to trust that others are kinder and stronger than I imagined. They don’t take it to heart my mistakes or hurt. They can cope. If they can cope, then I have permission to live. Anyway it doesn’t matter too much to them, then maybe allow me the permission to live if it is not too high a cost? That is what I think. 🙂

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      • reerah17 5 years ago

        Thanks for sharing. I think other people can relate even if you feel alone in this. I find myself being consumed if I am a burden to others although I try myself to be compassionate and helpful and giving of others I feel very little of that in return and try to displace myself instead of being worthy of the same acceptance. And now I realize my compassion and kindness has been seen as weakness by others . I pray you find the comfort you are in need of.

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          waterlovesdratini 5 years ago

          Actually when I read some of the post, I realized that some feeling of mine, even though I thought that I am odd, have people who shared the same feeling and it is reassuring..

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